My Wife and I Want to Explore Kink. Can You Help?

Our experts explain the safe and sexy ways to work it into your sex play

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published December 19, 2024

a foot wearing black heels with two people poking their heads around the side

Kiersten Essenpreis

Until I began talking to experts about kink, I didn’t realize I was a practitioner. An occasional slap on the booty? Check. Dirty talk? Yep. Hair pulling? Affirmative.

This week we explore kink — starting with a guide for first-timers.

My wife and I want to get out of our comfort zone and check out kink. Can you provide a beginner's guide on what kink encompasses, how you practice it safely and what it adds to the pursuit of sexual pleasure?

Adding kink to your menu can boost your sexual energy — and take your sex play to an entirely new happy place, according to sex and dating coach Gretchen Shanks.

"For couples who have been together for a while, exploring kink is a really fun way to reintroduce some taboo … Everything feels risky, and that heightens the sexual connection," she says.

What is kink? Kink is any form of sex play considered unconventional or unorthodox, says certified sexologist Tyomi Morgan.

"The idea is to play out ideas or fantasies that in real life would be taboo. In your kink play, it's all fair game," she says. "That's what makes it exciting. You can explore naughty things within the consensual confines of your relationship."

But it's important to understand that kink is "a moving target" because it means different things to different people, says Stella Harris, author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink and Relationships. "A gentle spanking might be kinky for one person, suspended upside down over a bed of nails might be kinky for someone else," she says.

How to get started. If you're curious about kink but don't have a sense of what’s on the menu, Shanks suggests starting with a list of options. There are plenty of apps and websites that list different kinds of kink — which include activities ranging, as Shanks puts it, from "super simple to complex."

Common entries include: roleplaying, spanking, hair pulling, sex toys. Read through the list and indicate your level of interest in trying an activity by indicating yes, no or maybe next to each item. Have your partner do the same — and then discuss your responses.

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Talking about what turns you on can be super sexy and fun, Shanks says — adding that it invites you to expand your thinking about what counts as sex and the variety of ways to express eroticism.

Once you've discussed what you’re both interested in, she suggests taking it to the next level by picking out an activity to explore on your next sex date.

Shanks also recommends two books that focus on basic kink skills: The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book, both by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

A how-to for the most popular form of kink. If kink has a signature, it's roleplaying, Morgan says, with common scenarios including a stranger picking up a stranger, a plumber and a housewife, or a firefighter and someone in distress.

Here are Morgan’s tips on giving it a try.

Establish the scene location. In the bedroom, outdoors, in the kitchen, etc.
Talk through your storyline and find your props. “This is where it gets fun,” Morgan says, adding that it can be sexy to discuss the plot of your roleplay scenario and what props might go with them. The plumber coming to fix a leaky faucet, for example, might wear a worker’s belt with tools — including a vibrator he can use on the housewife, feathers to tickle her with, lube and wrist cuffs if you want to want to explore bondage.
Narrate your actions. Harris says roleplaying doesn’t require a lot of fancy talking. "We're not looking for an Oscar-worthy running dialogue." Instead, keep it simple by narrating what you’re doing and enjoy the thrill of talking dirty out loud: "I can’t wait to rip that off you. I love seeing how that fabric slides across your hot skin." "A lot of couples in long-term relationships don’t talk during sex," she adds. "This is a great change-up.” "
Keep it safe. Consent is a must when it comes to kink, Morgan says. “You always want to do a check-in if you're going to do something that’s not negotiated prior to the scene.” Morgan says to feel free to say: 'I thought I wanted this, but I want that. Would you be OK if I did this instead?’

"You want to make sure that play is always consensual," she emphasizes, adding that it's common practice to establish a safe word or safe signal to end a roleplaying scene.

Aftercare. When the scene ends, Harris says it’s essential to reconnect with one another — particularly if there's a clear dominant/submissive script.

She says to snuggle, enjoy some downtime, reassure one another with positive affirmations like "I really enjoyed trying something new" and "I love you." A day or two later, Harris suggests doing a debrief to discuss what you want to do more of, what you didn't like and what you want to do differently next time. "Enjoy the afterglow," she says.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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