How I Feel About Being Sexless in My 60s

To add to our obstacles, my husband is an early bird and still runs a very busy company; I am a night owl. We have a teenager who also enjoys late nights. Finding the opportune timing for any kind of carnal bliss seems challenging, with neither of us having much ambition to come up with a creative solution. It feels like we’re both a bit bored; sex just doesn’t seem interesting enough to make an effort anymore. Neither of us is bringing anything fresh or exciting to the playbook, so even our extremely infrequent, uninspired attempts seem simply more of a goal-oriented race to the finish line than any dedicated effort to create novel pleasure or intimacy.

Finally, I’m at that proverbial age when biology has destructively intercepted. Menopause has not been kind to me and my body: Weight gain, a need for antidepressants (a known libido killer) and the disappearance of my own hormones wiped away my body’s desire to make love. We’ve tried using different prescriptive and nonmedical ways to overcome Mother Nature’s cruel punishments, but none of them have restored our sex life.

On top of the physical hurdles of my understated “change of life,” my husband was never told anything about menopause (I, too, got only the bare minimum of information) and interpreted my new physical and emotional discomforts as a rejection of him. I’ve shared research proving otherwise, but I think there is still a part of his ego that isn’t fully convinced, so he avoids initiating sex to protect himself from feeling more unwanted.

So where does that leave us now? I know some men and women my age would consider ending a sexless relationship. To many, I’m sure it sounds like my husband and I are settling for far less than we should, but we have both found our peace. We have affection at times, and we have sexual interactions now and then without actually making love. Sex isn’t the big priority it used to be in our early days together.

Naturally, we’re both nostalgic about those wild times, but I also feel closer to him outside the bedroom in ways I had never imagined. His true partnership in nonsexual ways feels more meaningful at this stage. He does little things that warm my heart far more than our former sex life ever did. Romance isn’t always cards and flowers, although he does deliver on those occasionally too! We are the proverbial best friends who love each other, but neither of us would say we’re madly in love. We are close, just not in a sexual manner. For some, that would be a death toll for their relationship, but for us, what we do have is real and just right for us.