The Secret Crushes That Help Keep Things Spicy in My Marriage

We met when he stopped me on the trail one day to ask what perfume I was wearing. After introducing ourselves, we found much in common and started walking the trail together a few days a week.

Sure, some flirting was involved, but the friendship never exceeded our conversations and the occasional hug. Naturally, Amir took the leading role in many of my fantasies during masturbation, but I never mentioned him to anyone — preferring to keep his existence a secret. These fantasies offered the same adrenaline rush associated with cheating but without the actual harm of physically cheating in my relationship.

My sex life with my husband had already waned a bit, so having a slight crush on someone new to fantasize about actually helped ignite a spark in the bedroom. Amir, however, was not a character from a movie; he was a real person — an incredibly attractive one — who made me feel young and sexy again, which also made the friendship dangerous.

But I understood that the fine line between fantasy and reality could never be crossed, so when Amir (also married) suggested we spend more private time together after our walks, I felt an immediate shift in the friendship. The lines became blurred, and fantasizing about him no longer felt right.

I quickly ended the friendship, quit jogging and joined a gym. I had only been at the gym for a year when my girlfriend convinced me to take the new salsa dance classes they offered. After the first class, I was hooked. I loved the dancing, but it was the young Chilean instructor who made the class enjoyable.

Watching the seductive way he swiveled his hips was enough to make my heart race, and I wasn’t the only woman in class who was mesmerized by his moves. I became friends with Tomas, but this time I didn’t keep my little crush a secret because Tomas was gay. For this reason, there was no threat of our friendship overlapping into dangerous territories like it almost had with Amir.  

This crush felt safer. Tomas was also 28 years younger, but that didn’t stop me from having sexual fantasies about him. I even introduced my husband to Tomas at a gym party, and he later joked about my “cougar tendencies” after listening to my flirtatious conversation with the young instructor.

He knew my crush on Tomas was harmless and similar to the crush he had on Dua Lipa — fun, but nonthreatening.

As a result, we concocted new role-play fantasies in the bedroom that took our arousal level up a notch. Of course, these secret crushes have faded over time — as they should — since they’re simply fantasies used to stimulate my brain for sexual arousal.

Although there are some couples who consider sex fantasies involving others as a form of mental cheating, it’s well known that arousal begins with the brain, and these harmless fantasies help many reach the precipice of sexual pleasure.

My husband often jokes that he reaps the benefits of my secret crushes because they have enhanced our sex life. But it’s not always about a movie character or someone I meet at a party. I often watch my husband working on his truck or raking leaves in our backyard garden and I get that warm, fuzzy feeling of desire. He will always be my biggest crush and the one who plays the lead role in most of my sexual fantasies — even after 40 years of marriage. 

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.