The Day I Realized Just How Lonely I Really Am

Naturally, tough times can feel even tougher without anyone to lean on, but good times can be surprisingly emotional, too. The loneliest I may have ever felt was the day I achieved a major career milestone and had no one to share the news with.

Ironically, it turns out that one place I’m not alone is with this problem. For many people, social networks begin to decline around retirement age. Death, along with divorce and children growing up and leaving the household, are among the reasons that loneliness increases as we age, according to a 2024 data analysis of nine longitudinal studies published in the journal Psychological Science. And while the “male loneliness epidemic” has gotten a lot of attention, the same study found that women report even higher levels of loneliness.

Despite this phenomenon being significant enough to be studied scientifically, it’s not something a lot of people talk about, and one reason is the stigma that still surrounds loneliness. For many people, the word “lonely” equates to the word “loser.” Why else wouldn’t you have a single person in your life you could call on in an emergency? There’s not much that embarrasses me, but I do struggle with admitting that I’m lonely. It’s far easier to move an armoire on my own than to let people know I’m starved for social interaction and invite myself over for coffee.

This presents a catch-22, because the only cure for loneliness is connection. While it would be fantastic for more people with vast supportive social networks to invite us in, most of them are too busy or too preoccupied to wonder if their single neighbor might like to join their barbecue. Anyone who wants to fight loneliness is going to have to be proactive. Here’s my advice:

Reframe loneliness. Start with your own negative perceptions of the word. I remind myself that I live a very full and fulfilling life and have a lot to offer all on my own. I like to say that I’m as fun as two people at parties. If you're not self-conscious about it, other people will be less uneasy, too.

Have a friendship 401(k). Have all the social relationships you need at the moment? Don’t get too smug or too comfortable. We lose friendships as we age; it’s just part of the natural order of things. Building lasting connections takes time, so the sooner you start, the better. Have a retirement plan for your social life, and invest in it early, before you need it.

Make it a mission. After my last breakup, I had to start from scratch building a social network (mainly because I didn’t follow the above advice), and believe me, it wasn’t easy. There is a lot of rejection and a lot of misses along the way. But I kept showing up and putting myself out there until I recently found a group of people I clicked with, who actually reciprocated my invitations to do things.

Pay it forward. I recently saw a social media post from a fellow “orphan” in a similar situation. Knowing how precarious and scary it can be — and how vulnerable it feels to ask for help — I connected her with several other people in my network. At the end of the day, we’re all human, we’re all looking for meaningful connection with others, and we should all make every effort to be each other’s emergency contacts.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.