I’m Only Leaving One of My Kids Money in My Will

When I got pregnant with my son, people would comment about how “it would be different when I had one of my own.” The very suggestion made my blood boil. Would they dare say this to an adoptive parent? Couldn’t they see that family was more than biology?  

Anyway, they were wrong. I love both my kids in equal measure, and the fact that I share DNA with only one of them had not made me any more tolerant of that one when he’s throwing a tantrum. If anything, I bonded more closely with my stepdaughter because of our shared interests in clothing, nail polish and James McAvoy.

I never imagined that we wouldn’t always remain that close. After I divorced her father, she came to live with me rather than any of her biological relatives. She stayed for seven years. We were together through her first and second breakups, college graduation, first job and COVID. But one day I had to ask her to leave.

The tension had been building for a while. She didn’t pay rent or utilities, but also didn’t contribute to chores. She would borrow my clothes without asking, break dishes or lose household items and then lie about it. I never complained, although I probably should have.

It was increasingly clear that we didn’t get along as roommates, but the final straw for me was the lack of privacy. It was hard to keep things from her when living in such close quarters, but I asked her to keep my dating life private, especially from her father, my ex-husband. When I learned that she had told him some very sensitive personal information, everything changed. I could no longer trust her.

Anytime I’d ever hear that someone was estranged from their grown children, I’d immediately think, “Oh, that’s sad. What did those parents do?” It seemed obvious to me, given the inherent power dynamic, where the blame must lie. But I had worked so hard to carve out a peaceful, stable life for myself, and she was constantly disrupting that with drama. Everyone in my life, even my therapist, assured me it was the best move to cut ties with her, at least for a little while. 

We tried to recalibrate our relationship with this new, non-cohabitating dynamic, but the incidents and fights continued. It culminated in me asking for my spare house key back.

When I sat down to draw up my will, I truly agonized over the decision I had to make. Include her, or give her nothing? She was already estranged from her father, while our son would be well taken care of. Shouldn’t I leave her something? My former engagement ring, at least?

In the end, I left it all to my son in a trust, as he is much younger. I had already helped my stepdaughter pay for car insurance, college and more; for my son, all those things are still on the horizon. My decision wasn’t made out of anger or retribution. I just don’t feel that she would be responsible with the money or anything else I could leave her. She had repeatedly refused any attempts I made to teach her about basic finances, and has a track record of losing things of value. Giving that kind of person a large sum of money can do more harm than good.

She isn’t aware of this, of course. We haven’t communicated in almost a year, although I think of her pretty much every day, and wish her well. When I found out she passed her nursing exam, I sat down and cried with relief. I am proud of her. And I miss her and our good times together. But for right now, our separation is the best thing I can do for my life and mental health.

I hope that one day I can update my will, and that it will include her. A lot can happen with age and maturity, and we will always be family. And most of all, I hope that when I’m gone, what I’ve left behind for her — for both my kids — is a lot more than numbers on a ledger.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.