5 Things I’ve Discovered From Sleeping With Younger Men

First off, they’re often attracted to you because of your age

Jill Waldbieser,

AARP

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Published December 31, 2024

a figure in sweatshirt and hat kisses a woman

Laura Liedo

Welcome to Ethels Tell All, where the writers behind The Ethel newsletter share their personal stories related to the joys and challenges of aging. Come back each Wednesday for the latest piece, exclusively on AARP Members Edition.

I’m not wild about the term cougar, but if the fur fits … and for me, I guess it does. When I jumped back into the dating pool after a 16-year marriage, I was a novice, not only to the world of online dating but to dating in general. I met my ex-husband in college and had only two relationships before him, neither of which even lasted a year. I had no idea what my “type” was. I just knew I wanted to have fun.

And I did — with guys who are consistently younger than me — 14 to 20 years younger. It may be hard to believe, but I never set out looking for that, and the age-bracket preference on my dating profile goes well into retirement age. But it seems younger men are who I am most comfortable with, which isn’t a total surprise, given that most people think I’m a decade younger than I am, my hobbies are high-intensity and I’m not interested in any more kids, even someone else's.

Younger guys are into me, too. This is not an anomaly; in my opinion, ever since the American Pie franchise, the idea that older women hold sexual appeal has seemed to be growing. Searches on Pornhub for “mature” and “cougar” grew by 77 percent last year, making it the second-most-popular category among men, and MILF (a not-safe-for-work acronym you’ll have to Google for yourself) was the second-most searched-for term worldwide.

It’s not always all about sex. Age-gap dating is not as rare as you may think: One poll found that 39 percent of Americans have dated someone 10 or more years apart in age from them. It is less common for women to date younger, however — only 14 percent of those polled dated someone 10 or more years younger, compared to a quarter of men.

My guess is that those numbers will grow as more women like me shift their priorities about what they want in a relationship and no longer feel the need to be “taken care of,” financially or otherwise. I will caution, though, that while there are fun parts about dating younger guys (rock-hard abs come to mind), there were some things that surprised me, good and bad. Here is what I discovered along the way:

They’re attracted to you because of your age, not in spite of it

One of the guys I saw casually was very upfront about this; while he claimed he wasn’t fetishizing me in a Stacy’s Mom kind of way, he did want an older, more experienced partner in the bedroom. He was very complimentary of my appearance and performance, which was so refreshing in a culture that makes women feel like crap about themselves for aging.

They’re attracted to you because of your age, not in spite of it

They are more open-minded and attentive

Granted, it could be my limited sample size, but the older men I’ve dated were always into very traditional male/female roles, both in the bedroom and out of it, and reluctant to try anything new. The younger partners I’ve had always seemed more invested in my pleasure and were absolutely enthusiastic about it. They were more likely to want to try new things and more conscious about asking for consent when they did.

They can get erectile dysfunction, too

ED and other forms of sexual dysfunction used to be associated with aging, but it's increasingly common among younger men. Two possible reasons? A common class of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs may include sexual side effects, such as lower libido or inability to orgasm. Another reason could be porn use. The most active porn consumers in the U.S. are 18- to 34-year-olds, and porn use correlates with lower sexual satisfaction. Some research has found a link between ED and porn consumption as well. One of the guys I was with had persistent problems, even though he claimed to have quit using porn after becoming addicted to it for a while.

They are more open-minded and attentive

They can get erectile dysfunction, too

You’re probably going to have to pay for dates

Age may just be a number, but so is salary. And with an age gap of 10 or more years, you are more than likely outearning your younger partner, regardless of his profession. Heck, one of the guys I was seeing was a doctor but still starting out and dealing with med school bills, so I felt guilty letting him pay. I don’t mind treating once in a while, but it can start to feel restrictive if you can never go places and expect your partner to foot at least half the bill.

They can get attached — and so can you

Initially, I saw a large age gap as a built-in speed bump that would prevent a relationship from getting serious. But that’s not always how it works out. I ended up living with one of the guys who was supposed to be a one-night stand, and he eventually broke my heart. I tried to avoid younger men after that, but now I’m just a lot more careful to keep things casual and set boundaries. It can work out long term — the president of France has had a long marriage to a woman 24 years his senior. And I don’t judge anyone who dates or marries younger. But for now, I’ll take the short-term perks.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.

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Jill Waldbieser is a journalist who writes about health, wellness, science, food and parenting. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, Huffington Post and Everyday Health, among other places. She lives in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, and looks forward to becoming a crazy cat lady.