Things I Do to Strengthen My Relationship With My Adult Kids 

When I was a teen, I overheard my mother spilling my secrets to her friend one day; the betrayal left me both ashamed and guilty for confiding in her. It also hindered my ability to bond with her and kept me from seeking her help when I needed it most.

For this reason, I keep my children’s private information to myself. They’re not afraid to tell me things they might otherwise not have shared, and I’m always available to listen or help whenever they need me.

Respect their choices without judgment

It’s difficult to remain silent when our adult children make choices we fear they’ll regret, but any attempt to control their behavior will only breed secrecy and pushback. They are adults, after all, so you’ll need to refrain from judgment and let them make their own decisions, whether you approve or not.

Greenberg believes this is especially important in early adulthood. “When children are young, they want to be trusted and for their parents to be their biggest fan club,” says Greenberg. “Even when kids are adults, if they make a mistake, they’ll learn from their choices, not your judgment.”

When my daughter was a young adult, she dated a man we disapproved of. The more we tried to warn her about his instability, the more she defended him, and eventually, she avoided coming to our house with him. It put a brief strain on our relationship until the day she realized we’d been right about him. She ended things quickly with him, but we were careful never to say hurtful things such as “We told you so” (which she was grateful for). It mended our differences, and now she is comfortable asking our opinion on her life choices because she is confident we will not judge her decisions.

Follow through on promises

When promises are broken, so is trust. Too often, good-intentioned parents make unrealistic promises and fail to follow through. In short, don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Give advice only when asked

As older parents, we think we know what’s best for our adult children; we want to impart our hard-won wisdom, but they frequently tune out our advice if it isn’t asked for. As hard as it may be not to offer advice, sometimes our adult children just want us to be their sounding board, not their adviser. Greenberg suggests asking your children whether they want you to simply listen or offer input. “Too often, we rush to solve their problems when all they really want is a safe place to speak. As parents, it’s our job to create that safe space.”

Get to know their interests

Fortunately, this has never been a problem for me, since I share many of my children’s interests. We listen to the same music, binge the same TV shows, read the same books and love sharing funny social media reels for our daily laugh. It has been this way for as long as I can remember, and it kept us connected through their difficult teen years and into early adulthood.

Many parents complain that they have nothing in common with their adult children and no idea how to bridge the gap. “Start by sharing their interests to the best of your ability,” says Greenberg. “Consider discussing what you’re both reading or watching on TV, such as a shared interest in fashion or cultural trends. Discuss hobbies or any other interests you might have in common. Remember, this should be fun!”

Like any meaningful relationship, your bond with your adult children needs ongoing nurturing and attention. Through honest (judgment-free) conversations, shared interests and honoring each other’s opinions and privacy, you’ll build a connection that deepens over time — one rooted in trust, mutual respect and love. 

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.