My Dad’s Health Crises Are Wreaking Havoc on My Life. I’m in Mourning

To reclaim some normalcy, this reader needs to anticipate chaos

Barry J. Jacobs,

AARP

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Published October 14, 2025

a person being pulled away from a room full of people

Vidhya Nagarajan

Editors asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in this column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic.

Question: How do you stop mourning the loss of what you miss in life? Because no matter how much I try to make life balanced, I’m sucked back in with another health crisis of my dad’s.

Jacobs: “Mourning” is the right word. Busy family caregivers miss a lot. They miss the pottery classes and barbecues, time with friends and weekends away that they had in their pre-caregiving lives. If they’ve cut back on their work hours to provide more care, they miss their full-time jobs, too, including their work buddies and a full-size paycheck. Most of all, they miss the freedom of doing whatever they want whenever they want, which many took for granted in the before-days. Because they care about their care receivers, few decide to abandon their caregiving commitments. But nearly all grieve, to some extent, the loss of how they used to live life with its mundane pursuits, simple joys and more relaxed pace.

To mitigate this grief and reduce their overall stress, caregivers are told to seek “balance,” regularly stepping away from completing caregiving tasks to focus on their own wants and needs. Depending on their preferences, that could be taking a half-hour walk each day, bowling every Tuesday evening or visiting out-of-state friends each month.

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But, as you imply, achieving this balance requires predictability. Suppose the care receiver’s needs are foreseeable. In that case, the caregiver can take time for themself by arranging for others to occasionally sit with the care receiver or drive them to appointments. However, when the care receiver has medical emergencies, which can happen at any time, the caregiver needs to be on standby to handle them. Their schedules are captive to the vagaries of the care receiver’s condition. Respite seems far-fetched; balance, nearly impossible.

This reminds me of the title of a 2000 book on family caregiving published by the United Hospital Fund: Always on Call. “On call” is the term used to describe the role of the hospital or outpatient physician who is assigned to address any patient emergencies that arise. As the book makes clear, family caregivers must also respond to any care recipient emergency. The result is that caregivers are constantly on edge, tensed up, waiting for the next emergency before springing into action. It is a tough, stressful way to live that makes no time or allowance for self-care.

How can you make a chaotic caregiving situation, lurching from one crisis to another, at least a little more predictable? There are three stepwise strategies you can try.

Prevent what you can

Medical emergencies don’t usually arrive out of the blue. They typically are the result of exacerbations of a care receiver’s chronic condition that tip them into a danger zone. For example, if a person has type 2 diabetes, then having drastically low or high blood sugar can threaten their health and land them in the emergency room. If they have a shuffling gait and poor balance, then a fall can break their bones or damage their brain.

Carefully monitoring and managing chronic conditions can stem brewing crises. For instance, for a care receiver with type 2 diabetes, testing their blood sugar multiple times a day will give you a clearer idea of how their sugar levels usually rise and fall at different points in the 24-hour cycle. It also can help you adjust (with medical supervision) the care receiver’s food intake and medications to keep the person out of trouble. Ensuring they use a walker as much as possible will give them greater stability and prevent falls.

If emergencies happen anyway (and they do), time is of the essence. Recognizing the early symptoms of, say, a stroke or heart attack can spur you to call an ambulance and limit the neurological or cardiologic damage a care receiver may suffer. Suppose your father, like many older adults, says he’s fine and bristles at the idea that he needs a medical evaluation. In that case, you may have to overrule him and call an ambulance anyway, even if that means irking him by erring on the side of caution.

Anticipate what you can

One way to make a series of health crises a little more predictable is to prepare yourself as well as possible by having ready answers to questions posed by various contingencies:

If your father is having a medical problem, should you call his primary physician first or 911? Which emergency room should you tell an ambulance to take your father to?
How will you briefly explain your dad’s medical condition to the ambulance team, emergency room nurses and physicians to quickly bring them up to speed? What phone number should you provide to connect the ER team with your dad’s primary physician to obtain additional information?
If your dad is in pain or upset in the ER, is there a way you can help keep him calm? What do you need to keep yourself calm in that situation?
Who in the family should you call to inform about your dad’s emergency? How do you want them to be helpful? Should they come to the hospital or keep in touch with you?
If you need to stay at the hospital with Dad for a while, you may want a change of clothes and a toothbrush to freshen up. Do you have a small emergency bag with personal items already packed for yourself? Who can get into the house to feed and walk your dog if you aren’t home on time?
Suppose Dad is unable to make medical decisions for himself. Are you familiar with the choices he indicated in his advance directive so you can communicate them to the medical team? If he doesn’t have an advance directive, are you ready to make medical choices for him by yourself, or will you confer with other family members? If so, who?
If Dad is nearing his death, are there things you want to do or say to him before the end? Who should be there with you and him? Who should be there to support you in the immediate aftermath?

These questions aren’t the only ones that may become crucial in any given instance. But the more you try to anticipate, the more detailed a blueprint you will have to guide you when you and everyone around you will be feeling frantic.

Live as you can when you can

More from Barry Jacobs

My Family Ignores That I Need Help With Dad's Caregiving
My Mom Is Dying, and I Am Overwhelmed
Uses and abuses of caregiver silence?
Pros and cons of receiving pay as a caregiver
Strength, challenges of immigrant caregivers

Imagine you are a firefighter, bunking upstairs at the local firehouse. In between calls, you stroke the dalmatian, read books and play checkers. When the alarm rings, your adrenaline kicks in as you slide down the pole, whip on your slicker and helmet, and jump aboard the red fire engine. Once that emergency has ended, you return to the firehouse and wind down as best you can, after all the excitement.

To survive as a firefighter, you can’t live on edge, waiting for that alarm or dwelling on how things went during the last run. If you did, you’d never be able to relax or get any sleep. You would quickly become exhausted.

Certainly, caregivers have much more personal relationships with — and an emotional stake in — care receivers than firefighters typically do with the people they are trying to save. But when your care receiver experiences frequent health crises, you are like a firefighter who must relax in the bunkhouse between sirens. It’s a tough job, indeed. Sleep as you can. Play as you can. Pet the dog. You will respond with vigor whenever the next alarm rings. Until then, live between crises. That may be as much balance as you’re likely to get.

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Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, family therapist and health care consultant, is coauthor of the upcoming book The AARP Caregiver Answer Book, scheduled for release on July 9, 2025. For more information, visit aarp.org/bookstore. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.