Expert Tips for Juggling Compound Caregiving

One time, when he was a caregiver to both his mother and mother-in-law, he realized he needed to immediately take his mother-in-law — who was complaining of shortness of breath — to the emergency room. He had to apologize to his mother, who was upset, crying and experiencing depressive episodes, because he had to leave to tend to his mother-in-law.

Become a tech expert. Few things can be more helpful to compound caregivers than mastering technology, says Rice. A plethora of good systems is available for monitoring loved ones at home and far away, he says. He used cameras with his mother and his mother-in-law to observe how they were doing. Rice, who holds an MBA in computer science, says he has learned to utilize his strong data and analytical skills to enhance his caregiving. For example, he has combined data from his mother’s emergency medical record with daily data he personally kept on her health, and asked AI to help him determine which techniques and habits worked best — and which didn’t.

Keep a journal. Trying to always remember the details of what happened — and when — with two loved ones is impossible. That’s why Rice strongly recommends keeping a daily digital journal that details the important things — ER room visits, reactions to medications, unusual things they say or do.

“How am I supposed to remember what happened six months ago?” he poses. Most critical of all, he says, is to have immediate digital access (in the cloud) to this journal so that you can instantly pull it up anywhere, including the ER and the doctor’s office.    

Forgive yourself. No caregiver can be in two places at once. Every family caregiver who is attending to more than one loved one must emotionally accept this reality. The best way to accept it is to forgive yourself in advance for the uncomfortable choices you’ll sometimes have to make, says Kate Washington, author of Already Toast: Caregiving and Burnout in America. “Look at yourself in the mirror and say, ‘You did a good job today.’ ”

Keep the connection. To the extent you can — particularly with a spouse — it’s vital to keep emotional space to maintain some aspects of the special relationship you had with the recipient before you started caregiving, says Washington.

“It’s so easy to lose sight of why you’re doing it in the first place,” says Washington. The best way to do this is to keep the spark alive by making space to connect with each person for whom you are a caregiver in ways that have nothing to do with caregiving, she says. Perhaps, for example, there is a favorite card game you used to play together long before caregiving began. Or maybe the two of you always shared a favorite place to visit together.

Guard your sleep. Your success as a compound caregiver will often be directly related to whether you are getting enough sleep every night, says Washington.

When you have adequate rest, it makes everything better, and inadequate sleep makes everything worse, she says. Perhaps the best way to get more shut-eye is to seek the caregiving help of family, friends and neighbors as much and as often as you need, she says.

Educate yourself. Learn everything you can about the conditions of both people you are caring for, says Debbie Barr, who has studied compound caregiving and wrote Caregiving: Taking Care of Yourself While Caring for Someone Else. For her book, she interviewed a woman who was a dual caregiver for her 92-year-old mother and a spouse with Parkinson’s disease.

The more educated you get — by reading books, articles and online posts — the fewer surprises or “shock points” you’ll suffer along the way, Barr says. “Ignorance of the condition makes caregiving more stressful. Awareness makes it more calm.”

Get an assessment. When caregiving for more than one person, it’s particularly important to consider having your own level of stress assessed, says Barr. She strongly suggests using the Zarit Burden Interview, a caregiver self-report measure created in 1980. The 22-question survey is available online for free. The higher your score, the clearer it is, she says, if there’s a red flag waving that needs attention.

Most importantly, she says, “don’t be in denial about what the test tells you.” If the results clearly tell you that you are on the verge of caregiver burnout — but that help isn’t immediately available from family or friends — it’s probably time to seriously research resources in your city or county by starting with a call to the local senior center.

Accept changes in relationships. One important reality check for compound caregivers is that some friends and family members may never fully understand the level of stress it causes you — and this can impact your relationship with them, says Barr.

“Sometimes you have to accept that some relationships will change, and not everyone will understand,” she says.

That’s why it’s important to ultimately choose to spend time with those friends and family members who do understand and whose company “nourishes” you, she says. “Give yourself that gift.”