My Family Ignores That I Need Help with Dad’s Caregiving

A contrasting perspective is that this does/doesn’t care dichotomy misses the nuances of most family members’ decision-making based on how caregiving might fit into their lives. Those nuances fall into three categories:

• Their availability (the demands of their work and other family responsibilities, geographic proximity);
• Their ability (such as their strength and stamina, financial resources, medical knowledge);
• And their willingness (how much they care, their moral or spiritual beliefs about making personal sacrifices for others).

At the core of caregiving conflict

Family conflict during caregiving often arises when family members view these categories differently. For example, regarding availability, you may think your brother has the time to visit your dad at least weekly; he may disagree because his spouse and children require so much of him. In terms of ability, you think your husband should be capable of stepping in to take care of your father when you need some sleep; he may counter that he can’t concentrate adequately at his highly technical job if he doesn’t get enough sleep and would be at risk of being fired.

Sometimes availability can be increased through, say, cutting back on work hours. Ability might be improved through training and experience. Just as often, though, neither can be changed, for a host of real and imagined reasons. The primary caregiver then must decide whether to accept or protest others’ claims that their participation in caregiving is regrettably limited.

Willingness matters most

Different assessments of willingness are tougher to accept and more embittering. You may think that someone, by all rights, should be willing to be a caregiver, and yet they staunchly refuse. For instance, you may believe that your brother should willingly care for your dad, but your brother may still be angry at him for being hard on him when he was a teenager. If you feel brash, you may tell your brother to grow up and get over it, but then he may chafe at you for invalidating his family experience. There is no easy path toward agreement here. If you keep trying to push him, then he may pull away from you, too, for being as hard on him as he believes Dad was.

Don’t get caught up in “shoulds”

So how do you get your brother and husband to help? It will require adjustments in your attitude and tactics.

The necessary change in attitude may be most challenging for you: You will need to loosen your grip on being right. In my opinion, you are 100 percent right that your brother and husband should help. As you indicated, other caregivers you’ve spoken with feel the same. But being right in and of itself won’t change your brother’s and husband’s choices. What makes a difference is being a realistic problem-solver and grappling with the family situation as it is, not as you and I and others might fervently believe it should be.

Meet family members where they are

The change in tactics begins with meeting your brother and husband where they are. That means starting discussions about their involvement in caregiving based on their assessments of their availability, ability and willingness, not on what you believe they should do or even desperately need from them.

Broadly, you could say, “Dad and I could use any help you can offer. Given everything going on in your life, what would work for you?” This approach implicitly communicates several things to them: You recognize that there are many demands in their lives. You hope that they can still find their way to helping anyway. You acknowledge and accept that it is up to them to define if and how they will participate. The results, in my experience: They will not feel attacked and become defensive. The discussion will not turn into a power struggle. They will be more likely to contribute something rather than nothing.

Join them in problem-solving

If your brother and husband explain that they have limitations in availability, ability and willingness, don’t dispute their assessments; offer to join them in figuring out how to make caregiving more possible for them.

More from Barry Jacobs

My Mom Is Dying, and I Am Overwhelmed
Uses and abuses of caregiver silence
Pros and cons of receiving pay as a caregiver
Strength, challenges of immigrant caregivers
How to handle ‘gut check’ moments

For example, if your brother tells you he isn’t available to watch your dad for a little while during the day because of his work schedule, ask him if he could flex his work hours to free himself up in the morning or afternoon. Or maybe he can work remotely and increase his availability to stop by and assist when you need him. Or, at the very least, perhaps he could stop by after work. He could also bring his spouse and kids for the visit, so he doesn’t feel like he’s neglecting them.

If your husband says he isn’t able to perform at work without a full night’s sleep, think through with him if it is advisable to cut back on some of his most difficult duties at work or even shift into a less technical job. Perhaps he could draw upon his vacation or sick time to relieve you occasionally.  

If your brother says he isn’t willing to care for his father because of past hurts, express empathy and then ask him if there is any salve for those old wounds that would help him now. Maybe he should talk to a psychotherapist. Perhaps he could come to see that Dad is now a toothless tiger whom he no longer needs to fear or resent. Perhaps participating in caregiving would be an opportunity for him to process his emotions and arrive at a better place in his relationship with his father before his father dies.

Your job here isn’t to persuade your brother and husband to do anything. It’s to work with them as someone who cares about them, just as you care for your father. I hope that this extra concern you show them will inspire them to be more concerned about you.