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I Nearly Lost My Marriage While Being My Dad’s Caregiver

Expert guidance on balancing the needs of your partner with the demands of caregiving

6-minute read

Barry J. Jacobs,

AARP

Published October 02, 2026

a woman looks through a door at someone laying in bed while a man walks away into the dark

Vidhya Nagarajan

Key takeaways

Caregivers often struggle to balance caring for a parent with meeting a spouse’s needs.
Framing caregiving as a family responsibility can help loved ones feel included and valued.
Small daily connections and respectful communication can help strengthen a marriage during caregiving.

Editors asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in this column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic.

I nearly lost my marriage while caring for my dad. My husband thought I prioritized that relationship over ours. And at times I did. I don’t think it should come down to having to choose one person/relationship over another, but it feels that way. It’s a lot like walking a tightrope. Now I’m caring for my mother with lung cancer and sense the old resentments rising up in my husband. Although I’m handling things very differently this time, there are still misunderstandings, resentment and feeling like you just can’t please anyone!

—DKD, the Villages, Florida

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Jacobs: What a painful bind you’ve been in. And the emotional stakes here! Spending too much time comforting your mother makes your husband uncomfortable. Step back from your caregiving duties and you’ll feel guilty for abandoning them. Neglecting your husband puts your marriage at risk.

Your analogy “walking the tightrope” captures how difficult it can be to maintain a balanced life while caregiving. It requires juggling multiple responsibilities, such as family and work obligations. If you drop the ball on one, you risk feeling like a failure.

Balance, then, is one of the caregiving’s essential elements and hardest tasks. For you, the challenge has been balancing being an adult-child caregiver with being a spouse. For others, it is balancing that caregiver role with being a parent, sibling or employee — or all these roles at the same time.

Straining to maintain that balance, as you point out, causes dedicated caregivers to feel torn in two, like a wishbone, between loved ones in need. It would be far better if there were understanding and acceptance all around — including, most important, self-acceptance — that a caregiver’s balance will never be perfect and slipups will occur.

Here are some ideas for finding that balance:

Communicate the broadest understanding of family caregiving

I recall a family caregiver telling me years ago, “My mother needs me now. My husband will just have to be a big boy and take care of himself for a while.”

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It was as though she believed that being a daughter and wife were mutually exclusive and that becoming her mom’s family caregiver meant focusing solely on her needs. She also seemed to have zero sympathy for how her husband might feel. If she followed through with putting her spouse on a shelf for years of caregiving, then I felt sure their marriage would be tarnished.

In my opinion, a better way for a caregiver to communicate her need to care for an aging parent is to endorse a broader understanding of family caregiving — not just caring for the care receiver but for the well-being of all family members.

This is best achieved during a family meeting in which that adult child might say, “You know that my mother needs more help. I will have to give her more of my time and attention. That will mean I may do a little less for each of you for a while. I love you and will be there for you as I can. Each of us, for the good of the family, will have to adjust to this big change.”

More from Barry Jacobs

I Want to Stay Positive During Caregiving. But I’m Afraid I’ll Be Disappointed
My Mom Needs Caregiving Help but Won’t Accept Any. It’s Stressing Me Out
‘Being a Caregiver Ruined My Sleep’
My Dad Won’t Listen to Me About Paying for Mom’s Care. How Can We Agree?
My Mom Wants Me to Be Her Caregiver, but She Won’t Move Near Me to Make It Easier

This more empathetic framing won’t necessarily please everyone but will assure them that they are still loved and matter and aren’t being disregarded.

For the good of the aging parent, everyone is being asked to make some sacrifices. When those sacrifices feel fair, then most family members will accept them. That’s balance. Presenting this as a shared family responsibility also helps you lay the groundwork for asking other family members to pitch in with the caregiving.

Strengthening marriage during caregiving

Unlike other family relationships, marriage is a voluntary intertwining of spouses’ lives (to varying degrees) to support both of them. Expectations for each of them are usually high. While a marriage can sometimes suffer from a caregiver’s lack of attention, caregiving also has the potential to strengthen a relationship.

For insight into how caregiving can bolster marriage, I look toward the work of famed marriage researcher John Gottman, who, in a series of popular books (some written with his wife of more than 30 years, Julie Schwartz Gottman), identified the keys to preserving and strengthening significant relationships. Build positive connections by frequently turning to each other with respect. Handle the inevitable disagreements in long-term marriages with acceptance and humor, not with contempt and defensiveness.

If we apply Gottman’s formulas to strengthening marriage while caring for an aging parent, it would mean the busy primary caregiver should continue to turn toward their spouse to nurture that relationship even in small ways, such as having coffee together each morning, texting during the day and debriefing at night. They should also openly discuss as a couple how to maintain as much balance as possible.

If disagreements arise about how much time they should spend together, caregivers shouldn’t react defensively or be dismissive. (“Be a big boy now and take care of yourself.”) Instead, those disagreements should be handled with sensitivity and respect to work toward mutual understanding and compromise. As Gottman would point out, the respect expressed to each other is more important for preserving a marriage than any proposed resolution.

The ultimate respect

There is one way your husband can spend more time with you, pay you the utmost respect and be of real practical help to you: He could become your co-caregiver, helping you take care of your mom by driving her places, picking up supplies or dealing with insurance companies. Is that possible? Would you be willing to ask him? Do you think he would agree?

Maybe this seems utterly implausible. Perhaps he’s too busy. Maybe he and your mom don’t get along.

Gently say this to him, though: “If we can stand together as caregivers, it would not only help my mother. It would help us face tough times in life as a couple who has each other’s backs. I’ll respect and accept any decision you make. Please respect and accept any decision I make. Let’s be good to each other.”

That’s a kind of balance too.

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The key takeaways were created with the assistance of generative AI. An AARP editor reviewed and refined the content for accuracy and clarity.

Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, family therapist and health care consultant, is coauthor of the upcoming book The AARP Caregiver Answer Book, scheduled for release on July 9, 2025. For more information, visit aarp.org/bookstore. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.

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