How to Cope When You Are Caregiving for Someone You (Really!) Don’t Get Along With

Show empathy.

In the daily grind of being the caregiver for a family member, it’s understandable for the former to sometimes forget how absolutely terrifying it must be for a loved one to watch their body — and possibly their brain — failing them.  

Put yourself in their place, says Bursack. It’s important to acknowledge that their world has gotten very confusing.

The most effective way to feel empathy is to remind yourself that, at some point, you might have similar issues., says Kimberly Best, a conflict resolution expert and author of How to Live Forever: A Guide to Writing the Final Chapter of Your Life Story.

Also, Best says, we’re not just doing the caretaking for our loved one or for ourselves. “We are also modeling for our kids and teaching them about how people show up when it’s hard,” she says. 

Avoid triggers.

Few understand your loved one better than you do. Odds are, you also know what sets them off.

Try to avoid triggers at all costs, says Bursack. You can do this, she says, by reflecting on past clashes. What led to them? What is the simplest way to avoid repeating them?

At the same time, you need to think about what triggers you. While your loved one might not be able to think about this, you probably can, says Bursack. So you also need to proactively avoid these issues by staying away from situations or conversations about past family dynamics or current political issues that might upset you — or simply exit the room when your buttons are pushed.

Leave space for autonomy.

Family caregivers typically put in so much time and effort helping their loved one that it’s common to get the misimpression that you, alone, are the only one who can do this work, says Bursack.

As a result, the person you are caring for is often left with no room for autonomy, she says. That is guaranteed to backfire, she says, because everyone needs space.

“Give the person as much room for autonomy as possible,” Bursack says. For example, any opportunity for them to do their own laundry, make their own meals or select their own outfits and dress themselves is a positive.

“If we become too controlling, they will become impossible to deal with,” she says. 

Detach emotionally.

One reason many caregivers don’t get along with the person they are caring for is that they too often buy into the anger their loved one feels, says Bursack.  

By emotionally detaching from the situation, she says, you are likely to have far more success. For example, if they start to argue about anything, don’t argue back. “If you don’t try to correct them and try to change their behavior, they have nowhere to go with their anger,” says Bursack.

This might feel as if you are giving in, but when a person is already irrational, she says, the best thing you can do is to stand down and toss no more logs on the emotional fire.

Let go of expectations.

Everyone goes into caregiving with a different set of expectations. But more often than not — particularly if it’s a parent — there is a presumption on the part of the caregiving adult child that their feelings toward you (or your feelings toward them) will somehow improve once you start caring for them.

These thoughts are faulty, says Best. You’ll inevitably be disappointed if you think they will change when you care for them, she says. Forgiving is letting go of the belief that the past could have been different, she adds.

The caregiving situation will work best, she says, only after you accept this fact: The past was what it was, and the person is who they are now.

Consider caregiving as a choice.

Most family caregivers are drawn into caregiving without much thought. It happens when a loved one suddenly gets injured or sick.

But caregiving almost always works best when the caregiver feels they have some sense of free will, says Best. That can come from reframing how you view the situation.

For example, you can decide that you are offering your caregiving as a “gift” to your parent, she says. “This makes it a decision and not an obligation,” she adds.

Separate the person from the problem.

As a family caregiver, you have a daily list of tasks to complete. That might include feeding, dressing and bathing your loved one.

“Don’t make the person the problem,” says Best. In other words, if you can focus on the chores you need to do for them — instead of your animosity toward the person — this might help you feel more comfortable, she says. You’ll also probably have a better sense of accomplishment, she adds.

Take a broader look at the situation.

A caregiver must do more than perform daily duties, says Best. You must also take time to assess how the care recipient is faring physically, mentally and socially to help you make smarter decisions and feel good about your ongoing role.

By gaining this critical perspective, what Best terms “going to the balcony,” caregivers step away from the front-row action and instead — much like at a theatrical performance — analyze the care from a bird’s-eye view.

“It’s a way to be more aware of what’s going on,” she explains. Perhaps, from this new angle, you’ll see a better way to handle problems and implement change.