Fibs and Fabrications: What to Do When Someone You’re Caring for Isn’t Truthful

Here are some smart ways caregivers can handle situations that involve untruthful behavior:

Approach the issue with empathy. Don’t accuse the person of lying or be antagonistic toward them because these tactics are likely to backfire. Instead, sit down and gently ask about challenges your loved one may be facing with their diet or medication protocol, their safety or other issues. “Avoid being too domineering,” Grossberg says. “Have a discussion and keep in mind the importance of their maintaining control.” For your own peace of mind, it can help to remind yourself that the person may not be telling the truth for a good reason — to protect themselves.

In some instances, it can help to say, “I don’t feel like you’re being honest with me,” then describe the behavior you’re seeing, suggests Candace S. Brown, an associate professor of gerontology at the University of North Carolina Charlotte. For example, maybe your loved one is insisting they’re eating regularly, but the fridge is still filled with the food you brought over days ago. “Sometimes we think older adults are lying and they just forget,” Brown says.  

Brainstorm solutions. Talk to your loved one about their concerns and challenges, and explore ways to help them address the issue at hand. Not long ago, Dr. Grossberg saw an older woman who had depression and high blood pressure; her adult daughter was upset because the woman hadn’t taken her diuretic that morning, though she said she had. With some gentle probing, he discovered the mother was worried about having to go to the bathroom or having an accident when she came to the doctor’s office. They came up with a workaround for situations like this, so that the woman could delay that dosage until after an appointment. The goal, he says, “is to find a way to give control back to them.”  

“There’s no perfect solution to every scenario,” Grossberg adds. “It takes creativity and ingenuity, and open and honest conversation.”  

Ask to attend doctors’ visits with them. “Convince your parent to allow you to be there to help them share their story with the doctor so the doctor is in a position to offer the best care,” Jacobs suggests. That way, you can add details and your own observations to what they tell the doctor during the visit. “It’s a matter of being vigilant in observing how a parent is aging but not jumping in too quickly to take over,” says Jacobs.

While caring for her father, who passed away in 2025 at age 82, Suzanne Horton found that communicating with his doctors helped her deal with his being untruthful about whether he had taken his medication, whether he had fallen, or how he was feeling physically. Sometimes she shared the information privately with the provider. “Other times, during appointments, I would frame things gently by saying, ‘I thought’ or ‘I counted’ rather than directly contradicting him,” says Horton, a mental health counselor in Tacoma, Washington. “In some situations, I would simply nod or shake my head during the conversation so the provider understood what I was seeing without embarrassing my dad.” Then, she’d let the doctor take the lead in addressing the issue.

Remind them of potential consequences. Rather than dwelling on the issue of honesty, “talk about potential consequences that are concrete,” advises Angela Gutchess, a professor of psychology at Brandeis University. You could point out that they could fall and break a hip or suffer a head injury if they tell you they’re using their walker but don’t. Or, you could note that their blood pressure could soar and strain their heart if they don’t take their hypertension medicine.

“Explain to them why they have to do it — that this is a safety thing, that this is what their doctor has recommended so they can stay well,” Brown says.

Organize the environment to support them. Routine habits such as taking medication often blur together, notes Gutchess. “Unless something distinctive happens, it could be hard for them to remember.” That’s why she recommends using external aids such as phones, alarms or other devices to alert the person that it’s time to take their medication or have a meal or snack. “Try to normalize this and show them that other people need reminders and systems too,” Gutchess says.

To take the guesswork out of the medication protocol, use pill organizers to indicate which pills should be taken when. As an added benefit, this will provide proof that the person took their medication on schedule. It can also help to do safety checks or pill checks by calling them during the day to see if they’ve done what they need to do, Brown says.

Pick your battles wisely. Ultimately, the goal isn’t to get your loved one to tell the truth 100 percent of the time but to help them be as healthy and safe as possible, with your assistance. For caregivers, there’s “a fine line between preserving someone’s dignity and preserving their safety,” Jacobs says. Recognizing this can help you decide how to approach issues that arise.

“Over time, I learned which things were important and needed to be addressed and [which] could be let go without causing harm,” says Horton. “I came to understand that while my dad was still capable of making decisions, my role was to support him, not control him.”