I Can’t Talk to My Ill Spouse Anymore. How Can I Still Find Emotional Support?

A reader facing the challenges of caregiving wonders who she can lean on for help

Barry J. Jacobs,

AARP

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Published November 18, 2025

a person walking away from another person

Vidhya Nagarajan

Editors asked AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group members and other caregivers to submit pressing questions they’d like family therapist and clinical psychologist Barry Jacobs to tackle in this column. Jacobs took on this hot-button topic.

Question: As a wife, how do you find support for yourself when your main support person is unable and you’re caring for him now? And how do you avoid becoming too close or overburdening others with your problems?

(Letter edited for length and clarity.)

Jacobs: It’s little wonder that you are seeking ways to support yourself. Spousal caregivers often face monumental challenges, in my opinion — more so than adult children caring for aging parents. According to the "2025 Caregiving in the US report" from AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, spousal caregivers are, on average, older than other caregivers. They frequently have their own chronic medical issues, such as diabetes and high blood pressure, which — if not appropriately managed because of the time required for caregiving — may get worse and ultimately undermine their ability to care.

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They also typically live with their ill spouses and provide, wholly or in part, any necessary hands-on care. The resulting wear and tear takes its toll. I’ve heard too many stories over the years about well spouses who died sooner than the ill spouses they were devoted to.

However, the most significant reason why spousal caregiving is so challenging is that long-term marital attachment relies on the reciprocal exchange of emotional support. We marry for love, said noted marriage researcher John Gottman, but stay married because of friendship. Having friendship at the core of our marriages means that we have a spouse who understands us, likes (not just loves) us and turns toward us compassionately to buoy our spirits through stressful times.

When physical, cognitive or psychological disability prevents our spouse from playing this role of friend — or “main support person,” as you put it — the loss is profound. We feel bereft of the one person who gets us, the one in whom we’ve invested our hopes and dreams. We may be sitting next to them, even holding them, but we are still grieving the end of something essential in our relationship and integral to ourselves.

Three types of “unable”

Your question doesn’t specify why your partner is unable to support you. There are several possibilities:

He may have a cognitive disability that has changed his personality or diminished his ability to pay attention to what you are saying, process it and respond in a supportive manner. The prime example is dementia caused by Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, traumatic brain injury or another neurological condition. The symptoms of dementia tend to wax and wane over the course of a day; if his condition isn’t too advanced, he may still have moments of relative clarity, perhaps early in the day, when he can be more empathetic.
He may have a physical disability, such as chronic pain, COPD or heart failure, which causes him such severe physical and mental anguish that he becomes entirely focused on relieving his own suffering — and loses sight of yours. The problem here is self-absorption, not cognitive incapacity. If his suffering can be lessened, then he may be able to turn toward you, appreciate what you’re going through and offer genuine support as well as gratitude for your care. Lessening his suffering, however, may be an all-consuming endeavor with limited prospects for success.
Perhaps you’ve stopped asking your husband for the kind of emotional support that was once a regular part of your relationship because you fear that revealing your distress to him would make him feel guilty. Or maybe you don’t feel you deserve to focus on your needs when he is in so much worse shape than you are. Many spousal caregivers have these thoughts and then stop confiding in the one person who has always been their confidant.

Of the three types of inability, the first is almost always unalterable and the second can be exceedingly hard to change. The third, though, is worth reflecting upon. Would your husband be capable of providing you with at least some support if you mustered the courage to ask him for it? If the answer is “possibly,” then please consider trying. It might have the opposite effect of what you fear; by allowing him to be supportive, you may give him a chance to feel better about himself. Helping you would also restore some needed reciprocity to your relationship.

Seeking support through trial and error

Like you, many wives of disabled husbands decide they need to look outside their marriages for emotional support but feel self-conscious about it.

There is no shame in reaching out to others; that’s what any adviser would tell you to do to better cope. But be prepared. Some so-called friends may help for a bit and then disappear, leaving you broken-hearted. Neighbors and acquaintances you don’t know well might surprise you by their willingness to listen and care. None of this is personal. Some people have the compassion to provide emotional support to caregivers in need; others simply can’t. If you are determined enough to keep trying, you will find through trial and error the group of people who will steadfastly be there for you.

More from Barry Jacobs

My Dad’s Health Crises Are Wreaking Havoc on My Life. I’m in Mourning
My Family Ignores That I Need Help With Dad's Caregiving
My Mom Is Dying, and I Am Overwhelmed
Uses and abuses of caregiver silence?
Pros and cons of receiving pay as a caregiver

Find your tribe

All spousal caregivers need a posse or tribe that has their back. It could be a group of caring people — for example, a “caring and sharing” church group — who are willing to hear about your struggles without judgment. Ideally, though, if you find others with caregiving experience, especially those who care for a partner, they will be able to relate to you more and you to them. You will not overburden them; they have walked the walk and are present in these spaces because they want to hear and be heard. There are several options:

There are dozens of Facebook groups, such as the AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group, where thousands of caregivers, including spouses, post about their feelings and concerns and receive solace, advice and warm wishes from other group members.
The Well Spouse Association is a national nonprofit support and advocacy organization that sponsors a national network of in-person support groups, an online forum, a newsletter, respite weekends and an annual conference to help spousal caregivers feel validated by fellow well spouses who understand what they are going through. (Full disclosure: I am an honorary board member of the group.)
As part of their local family caregiver support programs, many Area Agencies on Aging (AAAs) run in-person caregiver support groups for spousal and other caregivers. If your husband is over 60, then there may be a group in your area that you could attend. To find your AAA, go to the federally run Eldercare Locator.

Many hospitals and churches also run family caregiver support groups.

Not every group will suit your needs or preferences. As with the trial-and-error process for finding the true friends, family members and neighbors who will support you emotionally throughout your caregiving years, you may need to try out different groups and forums to find your tribe. The point is to try. Holding back in fear of being judged and rejected has never helped anyone connect with others.

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Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical psychologist, family therapist and health care consultant, is coauthor of the upcoming book The AARP Caregiver Answer Book, scheduled for release on July 9, 2025. For more information, visit aarp.org/bookstore. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.