My Husband Says if I Love Him, I Should Do This

Make yourself heard. Needle says it’s a positive sign that your husband trusts you enough to share his fantasies, and suggests that you listen with curiosity rather than judgment. Still, that doesn’t mean you have to agree to something that makes you uncomfortable.

Among her recommendations:

• Express your boundaries clearly. Tell your husband that while you appreciate his openness, those activities aren’t something you want to explore. “You don’t need to justify your discomfort,” she says. “Your boundaries are valid.”
• Address the emotional pressure. Love is not measured by a willingness to compromise personal boundaries, Needle says, adding, “Let him know that love should not require doing something that feels wrong to you.”
• Actively communicate. Instead of being reactionary about what you want or don’t want, certified sex therapist Nan Wise suggests that you consider this an opportunity to have a “deep conversation” about your husband’s desires, your own feelings and the sex life you share.

“People tend to go to this reactive place and make it about this particular sex act or request, rather than thinking, ‘How cool, we get to penetrate each other’s psyches in a way that goes deep under the hood,’” she says.

Wise says to explore these questions with each other:

• For your husband: What is he hoping to experience through this? What is he looking to unlock in himself? What is he looking to challenge?
• For you: What new activities would turn me on? What am I looking for through my sexual self and sexual connection? What are my own sexual needs?

“Exploring each other’s psyches and changing things up can enliven a sexual relationship over the long run,” says Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters. “It doesn’t mean you have to capitulate to your partner’s preferences, but you’re bringing new eyes to each other and you’re continuing to grow. Exploring new territory, emotionally and truthfully, can be powerful.”

Find common ground. It could be that your husband’s request is less about the sexual activity itself than a yearning for novelty, deeper intimacy and a more exciting sex life, according to Needle.

If so, she says, you might consider other ways to meet those needs together that feel safe and enjoyable for you both.

“You don’t have to say yes to anything you don’t want, but you also don’t have to shut the door on curiosity altogether,” Needle explains. “The key is to communicate openly, explore the ‘why’ behind each of your perspectives, and find ways to maintain intimacy and excitement in a way that feels good for both of you.”

Fill out a “Yes, No, Maybe” list. To help you expand your sexual repertoire, certified sex therapist Chris Fariello suggests downloading a “Yes, No, Maybe” list.

The document contains a list of sexual activities along with an area to mark a response of “yes,” “no” or “maybe.” Go through the list, separately or together, and identify what you’re up for — and what you’re not.

“On date night, not only will you have knowledge about what’s a yes, but perhaps there are some maybes you can start exploring,” says Fariello, who is also founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, a therapy practice specializing in sexual health.

You’re always going to feel a little bit of apprehension when you try something new, and that’s OK, he says. “There’s nothing wrong with being anxious; just know that it’s an opportunity to enjoy more things as well.”

Take a break from the conversation. If you and your husband are at an impasse that seems immovable at the moment, sex coach Stella Harris recommends tabling any conversation about sex for a period of three months.

“Put it on the calendar,” she says. “It’s important to have an actual date rather than saying ‘indefinitely.’ It gives both partners a cooling-off period and time to mentally prepare for the conversation.”

Harris likes the three-month window because it gives the pressured partner a significant break while not feeling unbearably long for the other partner.

She also suggests putting a time limit on how long the discussion will last, and to avoid having it if either of you is feeling rushed, hungry or tired. “Create the time and mental space to succeed,” she says. “Set yourself up for success.”

Consider professional support. If you feel like you need help, Needle suggests that you both see a sex therapist who will provide a “safe space” to navigate these conversations in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than creating division.

Ultimately, she says, a healthy sexual relationship is one where partners feel safe, respected and valued. “You are not wrong for setting boundaries, and he is not wrong for having desire or fantasies — but how you communicate and respect each other’s needs is what truly matters.”