My Wife Is Freezing Me Out. How Can I Reconnect With Her?

Sometimes trauma survivors begin to express the pain associated with trauma years after an event, something Cooper says a partner might notice when trying to make a physical or emotional connection.

“During sexual intimacy, partners of survivors may become more aware of the subtle ways in which their partner doesn’t seem to be fully present for the experience,” says Cooper, founder and director of Center for Love and Sex, a practice in New York City specializing in sex therapy for individuals and couples.

If you think your wife’s distancing may be due to trauma, Cooper says to ask whether something occurred to her in the past that she hasn’t been ready or able to talk about.

Gently open the door for a conversation. Certified sex therapist Chris Fariello says to have a conversation with your wife that is driven by both compassion and non-judgment. “Express your feelings, but make sure to approach it from a place of understanding, not frustration,” he says.

Cooper suggests telling your wife that you have sensed a shift in your sexual dynamic, then asking how you can help.

She says you can frame it like this: “Is there something I’m doing or saying that is turning you off or causing a negative reaction? I love you so much and I’m here to support you in any way I can.”

Needle advises using “I” statements and avoiding assumptions. In other words, say how you feel without trying to define what your wife is experiencing.

Among her suggestions:

• “I’ve been feeling a little shut out emotionally during sex and don’t know what’s going on, but I’d really like to understand.”
• Needle also likes open-ended questions like “How have you been feeling about intimacy lately?” and “Is there anything that’s changed for you that I might not be aware of?”

“Let her know this isn’t about pressure or performance — it’s about wanting to share something beautiful and meaningful with the person you love,” Needle says. “The goal isn’t to fix it all in one conversation, but to open a door that’s been closed.”

Ask your wife if penetrative sex hurts. Many 50-plus women experience pain during sex due to hormonal changes associated with menopause.

If she acknowledges that she’s backed off because sex hurts, “this does not mean that sex is over but that things might have to change,” Kent says. “Ask her what she needs, and help her get there.”

Among other things, Kent suggests using lube, sex toys, trying different positions and — most importantly — communicating with each other about what your sexual needs are.

Rebuild intimacy outside the bedroom. Sometimes emotional intimacy outside of physical sex can affect a relationship’s sexual energy, according to Fariello, director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, a therapy practice that focuses on sexual health.

Fariello says to start reconnecting through simple acts like cuddling, holding hands or sharing activities you both enjoy. “When intimacy is built on emotional connection and trust, the physical side can follow more naturally,” he notes.

Be patient, and consider expert advice. Intimacy can ebb and flow in long-term relationships, and Fariello says it may take time to rebuild the spark. His advice: “Make sure you’re both feeling heard and loved, regardless of where things are sexually at the moment.”  

Cooper also advises seeing a sex therapist to help both of you navigate any issues and find your way back to a connection that is intimate and satisfying.