Sex Is a Taboo Subject for My Generation ... So How Do I Talk About It?

Start with appreciation. Wise suggests broaching the subject by saying something like: “Honey, I so love our relationship. I’m so happy we’ve been together all these years. I love you. I love our sex life. I’d like us to really bring attention to each other” in new ways.

She says it’s a nice way to frame the conversation because it’s not just about sex but connection.

Ask your wife what gives her pleasure. Wise says to start by asking: “What do you need and want and enjoy pleasure-wise?” — and not just in the bedroom but outside it as well.

Another question to consider: “What does the next leg of the journey look like, and how can we make it fun and pleasurable?”

Revisit your early years. Pasciucco suggests an opener like: “What did you think sex was going to be like when we first met?” 

In therapy with couples, she’s heard all manner of responses from women. They thought it would be all about getting pregnant. They didn’t think sex would occur so frequently. They didn’t expect it to be so much fun. They never considered changing their sex play because the topic never came up.

“You have people sleeping next to each other and not asking these questions because they’ve never considered it,” she says. “It’s powerful to think about a couple like you who can still learn so much from each other.”

Speak metaphorically to make your point. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says to lean on metaphors to launch the sex talk.

For example, she says you can talk about an activity you like to do, such as yoga or golf, but you have to make adjustments depending on how your body feels. “Sometimes you can’t do a full downward dog, so you keep your knees bent; or can’t play 18 holes, so you do nine.”

You could say something like, “Honey, you know how we’re always adjusting our game or yoga practice in order to switch things up and make them fun? I’ve been thinking I’d like to try some new moves in the sex department if you’re open to brainstorming with me.”

What to say if she shuts you down. Some people like the familiar; others are more adventurous. If your wife is disinclined to explore new ways to be intimate together, Cooper suggests first assuring her that you value and enjoy your sexual relationship, then adding: “I’m different from you. I know that about myself. What I’m asking for is for you to be open to changing things up for my sake.” 

Expect the conversation to be difficult. Talking about sex at any age is tough — let alone 50 years into a relationship, says Fariello, founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy.

But know that you are not alone. “Talking about sex — sex education in general — is nowhere near where it needs to be for any age. I’m in my 60s, and many of my friends have never had a conversation with their partners about sex,” he says. 

Consider seeing a sex therapist. When Fariello counsels couples about how to talk about sex, he says the partners, through exposure, experience and discussing it in therapy every week, become more comfortable around the topic of sexuality.

“The more you talk about it over weeks, over months, it becomes a little easier,” he says. 

Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman says a sex therapist can also help you sort through the many ways to expand your sex life. “And believe me,” she says, “there are an infinite number of ways to branch out.”