Help! My Partner and I Have Different Love Languages

He expresses his love through touch. She wants to talk. Can they figure it out?

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published June 05, 2025

An illustration shows a man and a woman holding candy hearts. His says ‘wanna fool around?’ Hers says ‘let’s chat’

Kiersten Essenpreis

Confession: Until an In the Mood reader brought it up, I had never heard of the five love languages, first popularized in the early 1990s, when Baptist minister Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

Simply put, Chapman proposed that our love language is the way we wish to give and receive love. The five “languages” are words of affirmation, doing helpful things for your partner, gift giving, quality time and physical touch.

The issue? Sometimes a couple doesn’t communicate their love in the same way — and that can cause conflict. Maybe you wanted to be surprised with flowers, and instead he mowed the lawn. Our sexuality experts weigh in.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering: My love language is physical touch. What’s yours?

My new partner and I definitely have different love languages, and it’s caused some conflict. He’s about physical touch, and I’m into words of affirmation and quality time. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

I talked to a half-dozen sexuality experts about the concept of love languages, and they all agreed on one thing: You and your partner have different love languages because you are different people. That’s normal. Here’s how to meet in the middle … and have a little fun along the way.

First up: Love languages aren’t rules, but tools. Licensed psychologist Rachel Needle says it’s important to remember that the love-language concept shouldn’t be likened to a list of fixed boxes — they’re invitations to curiosity, empathy and growth.

“They help us understand each other, not limit us,” says Needle, codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a Florida-based continuing education company that trains couples and sex therapists around the world. “Your ability to meet in the middle, try new things and care enough to understand one another is more powerful than any one ‘language.’”

Get curious, not critical. Approach your differences with interest, not frustration. Needle suggests saying: “I’ve noticed we express love differently, and I’d like to learn more about what makes you feel loved.” That simple sentence, she adds, can help shift the conversation from conflict to connection.

And good news: Licensed clinical social worker Allison Kent, a sex and relationship counselor, says you can use those differences to enrich and grow your romantic relationship.

“If he’s into hugs, kisses and booty grabs, then you now have a great list of how to make him feel appreciated. If you tell him you’d like him to plan dates, organize activities and compliment your looks, then he also has a list of how to make you feel loved,” Kent says. “It’s not about having the same language; rather, it’s about speaking each other’s language.”

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Learn how to communicate in your partner’s dialect. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder and director of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says to make a practice of behaving in ways that are in keeping with your partner’s love language.

“I encourage my clients to put reminders in their calendar to ensure they are putting into practice a new form of communication that often feels awkward or foreign to them,” Cooper says. As an example, you might set a reminder to send your partner flowers or offer to give a massage. Some clients initially find the practice unromantic — but Cooper says it gets easier in time.

Needle says learning each other’s dialect doesn’t mean abandoning your own needs, but rather making small, thoughtful efforts that can make a big difference in your relationship.

If physical touch isn’t your first instinct, Needle says a simple gesture like sitting closer on the couch can speak volumes. In turn, she says, you can let your partner know how meaningful it is when he sets aside time for just the two of you, or offers a kind word out of the blue.

Check in with each other. Certified sex therapist Nan Wise suggests checking in with each other regularly about what’s going on in your minds and bodies. “This is a great opportunity to climb into each other’s experiences,” she says. “It’s also a way to expand our repertoire without making it a federal case,” meaning partners won’t make the other feel wrong about how they express love.

Needle says to make it an ongoing conversation, because love languages may evolve over time as circumstances change. She suggests periodically asking each other: “What’s been making you feel loved lately?” or “Is there anything I can do more of to help you feel connected?”

Create rituals that check the boxes for both of you. Wise suggests practicing short daily rituals that make you feel loved in your preferred language.

For instance, schedule five minutes a day to share with your partner what’s on your mind and what’s happening with you emotionally. And spend another five minutes or so spooning in bed, with your partner on the inside, while you caress and touch him.

“These two practices alone could very easily bridge the gap between their different love languages,” says Wise. “He’s getting touched every day, and she’s getting quality time from her partner. They’re not so far apart — physical touch is attention, and so is listening.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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