Help! We Can't Agree on the Time, Place or Style of Sex

Respect your partner's comfort zone. Many people, especially as they get older, tend to enjoy the familiar in intimate situations, says licensed psychologist Rachel Needle. Ask her, "What exactly is it about our current routine that you like?" says Needle, adding that knowing the answer to that question could help you address any concerns or hesitations she might have about trying something different. 

"Let's understand why this is her thing — and then why there's reluctance,” says certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco. "For a lot of people, mornings are about routine — shower, coffee, brushing teeth. For them, that's more pleasurable than morning sex."  

Expand on what turns your wife on. Brito says it's important to understand your wife's interest in missionary and why it’s her go-to position. With that in mind, you now have something to work with. 

"There's a lot you can do with missionary," Brito adds. "It’s plain vanilla, but there are a lot of toppings you can put on it." 

How? If she’s open to it, Brito suggests adjusting the position a bit to make it more psychologically and emotionally interesting. As examples, she says, keep the lights on and gaze into each other's eyes or enter her from the side in a sideways missionary. 

If you both are limber, Pasciucco says you can also flip your wife's knees over your shoulders, playing with the rhythm by grinding and wiggling your hips. Or think about placing a pillow under her hips to change the angle of penetration. 

"It's a variation on the familiar," Pasciucco notes. "You're not changing everything all at once, but you're finding something new and different that both of you want to say yes to." 

Explore new places gradually. Needle suggests expanding your intimate spaces — but in small, manageable steps. For example, invite your wife to cuddle on the couch or make out in the kitchen. "Gradually this might lead to a comfort level with being intimate in places other than the bedroom." 

Pasciucco says to consider an overnight stay at a hotel or showering together. "Wash each other’s bodies," she says. "It's not sex, but it’s sexy, because you’re touching one another." 

Play with timing. Ask your wife about experimenting with afternoon or morning sex.  

And be honest as to why, Needle says, suggesting you be up front with her about how you perform better in the morning and that having morning sex would enhance the quality of your time together. "You could frame it as wanting to bring your best energy into the experience," she says. But, again, baby steps. Needle says to start out by suggesting just one weekend morning to see how she likes it. 

Another option, says Brito: Stay with nighttime, which you know she is comfortable with, but (if you don't already) try dimming the lights, lighting a candle and turning on some relaxing music to create a more intimate, sexier vibe than what you are used to. 

Stay positive and patient. It may take time for your wife to warm up to new routines, and keeping a lighthearted and patient attitude is essential. 

Needle says to remind your wife that you want to deepen your connection and that you are willing to proceed at her pace if she is open to exploring some of these new suggestions. 

"Exploring intimacy in later years can be deeply fulfilling, but it often requires gentle communication and patience," she adds. "By focusing on gradual shifts and emphasizing her comfort and pleasure, you can encourage her openness to new experiences while keeping your bond strong and satisfying."