Is There Porn That is Sexy?

How to find the porn you're looking for.  What's your favorite film style? As part of first steps, Queen, who has a Ph.D. in human sexuality, recommends talking to each other big picture about what you're looking for from porn. 

"Do you want to watch story-based videos or vignettes that are pretty much all about sex?" she says. "Either one might be enjoyable, but the first style will be plot-oriented — often these are like an explicit rom-com — while the other often features real couples doing their thing." 

Define your comfort level. Fleishman urges you to choose content that you both feel good about. 

Some of the scenes you watch may be arousing, but don't reflect what you want to do with each other in real life, she says. 

"Increase your porn literacy. Know what you are consuming and learn how to talk about what you like and don't like," she says, adding that it's a process that can help you deepen your sexual relationship. 

Get familiar with the term "ethical porn." Yes, it's a thing — and a departure from traditional hardcore porn. What is it? For starters, it's porn produced by people who promote fair wages and a safe, consensual environment for adult film actors, says Michelle Melville-Kashon, community development coordinator of the Sexual Health Alliance, a training and certification organization for sexuality professionals. "Not only are these films made in a way that makes you feel good about the content you're consuming, but they also promote more female-pleasure-centered storylines," which hasn't always been the case, she says. 

With ethical porn production companies — and there are a lot — you can browse through different categories and find the right film to spark your desire or get ideas to bring novelty into your sex life, Melville-Kashon says. Whether it's a 15-minute or 60-minute film, she says they are thoughtfully made and designed to arouse. 

What to watch. In talks with experts, there was a lot of overlap with their recommendations. A note: Not everyone's taste is the same, and what some consider softcore might be hardcore to others. So keep that in mind while you peruse the list.

• Afterglow develops videos made by women, for women. Rosara Torrisi, founding director and senior therapist at The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, calls Afterglow a "very youthful, ethical, fun" porn site that includes storytelling and features a fair amount of racial, ethnic and body-size diversity. Afterglow's website also includes educational articles like "How to Get Aroused With Porn for Couples" and "How to Get Turned On By Porn." 
• Erika Lust offers feature-length movies, series and indie adult short films. Torrisi is a fan and recommends it to clients. She says it's "decently" inclusive of lots of different interests — queer sex, groupings of people of different genders, and a variety of different body types. 
• Guide to Wicked Sex: Senior Sex is a collaboration between adult filmmaker Jessica Drake and sexuality educator Joan Price. Sexually explicit, the film follows two real-life older couples as they explore and pleasure each other. David Ley, the Sexual Health Alliance's clinical advisor, gives it a thumbs up, saying, "This is a project that embraces senior sexuality in the hottest possible way." 
• MakeLoveNotPorn. Torrisi calls this "real world sex" from contributors — not professional porn stars — who share videos of their sex play. "It's so cool and so real and so affirming," she says. "It's beautiful." Queen is also a fan.  
• Mainstream erotic films. There are a lot of sexy movies that aren't porn. "Erotic scenes in Hollywood movies or foreign films get many people's engines going," says Queen. Certified sex therapist Sandi Kaufman recommends the following films: 9 ½ Weeks; Good Luck to You, Leo Grande; Brokeback Mountain; Moonlight; and Call Me By Your Name.
• DIY options. Queen also recommends texting each other erotic art or sexy nude photos as a form of foreplay. And she asks: "How can you be each other's eye candy?" Among her suggestions: Masturbate together with the lights on. Dress up for each other, dance and then do a striptease. Read erotica to each other and engage in some "erotic fantasy talk."