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I’ve Lost Interest in Sex With My Wife
Losing your libido and losing interest in your wife are two different things, say our experts
Kiersten Essenpreis
Many of your emails to In The Mood involve the challenges of living in a sexless marriage. Typically, one person wants sex, the other one doesn’t. Now, that’s some unhappy math.
This week, a man reports that he’s lost all sexual desire for his wife. Love her, yes. Want her, no.
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Our sexuality experts break it all down, offering guidance on what it could look like to rekindle the relationship.
After 35 years of a good marriage and normal sex, I have completely lost sexual desire for my wife. I still love her and want to be with her but, needless to say, she is struggling with the rejection. Any suggestions?
Before calling your sex life quits, our sexuality specialists urge you to dig deep for possible reasons and ways to handle the situation.
Step 1: Rule out any health issues
Evelin Dacker, a family physician in Salem, Oregon, who specializes in sexual health, suggests consulting a doctor to check your cholesterol and blood pressure, and for erectile issues, just to make sure that nothing vascular is involved. You should also get a testosterone check, says Dacker. A low testosterone level, common in older men, can reduce the desire for sex and the ability to maintain erections while also contributing to fatigue and muscle loss, she says. “It just slows you down.”
Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder of Center for Love and Sex in New York City, wonders: Have you lost sexual functioning? Are you experiencing fewer erections? If so, she says, your loss of sexual desire may not necessarily be exclusively about waning attraction for your wife.
“This is important to talk about,” says Cooper. “A lot of men avoid sexual intimacy rather than admitting that their sexual functioning is off.”
Step 2: Expand your sex script
It’s not unusual for couples who have been together for a long time to get into a sexual rut, says sexuality educator Susan Milstein, cohost of the podcast Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations About Sex. “I touch you here. You touch me there,” she says. “It can feel comforting because it’s so familiar, but it can also be so boring.”
Change up your sex moves. “Do something different, anything different,” Milstein says. Among her suggestions: Touch one another differently. Share an article that describes a sexual activity you want to try out. Look into each other’s eyes. And take penetrative sex off the table. “We’re often so focused on the act of sex that we forget that the whole body can be a turn-on,” she says.
Find a new location. If you tend to have sex in the same room or in the same positions, sexuality educator Tameca N. Harris-Jackson says to “change the room, change the positions.” You could even get away from your home. Plan a vacation together. “Sometimes a little time away in a different environment, relaxing and enjoying your surroundings, can open us up to have more capacity for pleasure,” she notes. If you need help coming up with ideas, Harris-Jackson suggests speaking with a sex therapist.
Do a wardrobe change. Also, consider asking your wife if she’d be willing to wear something that would excite you — and help her pick it out, Harris-Jackson adds.
Reexplore your bodies. Bodies change during a 35-year marriage. “Give yourself permission to explore “your new bodies,” Milstein says. “Something that may not have felt good before might feel terrific now.”
Milstein says this can be a winning strategy, and sometimes a scary one. “It’s like being with a new partner again: ‘I don’t know what they like or what feels good.’ It takes you back to that place.”
Step 3: Open up the conversation to what could come next
Among the questions Cooper suggests you and your wife talk over:
Does your wife have solo sex, or is she dependent on you for sexual pleasure? Is she open to finding another partner? Do you want to have sex with someone else? Would each of you be interested in talking about what an open relationship might look like?
Step 4: Focus on the positive
Cooper also says it’s important to remember that there are many things involved in a marriage aside from sex. She suggests focusing on what you bring to each other, starting with these talking points: Do you love one another? Do you respect one another? Do you depend on one another?
Consider reflecting on what might bring you more joy or purpose in this phase of your life, Harris-Jackson adds. “If you are having trouble with personal reflections and changes, speaking with a therapist can be helpful as well,” she adds.
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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