How to Work Through Feelings of Shame Associated With Sex

Key takeaways

• Identify roots of sex shame by examining early messages about sex and values.
• Reframe shame by questioning whether inherited beliefs still apply to your life.
• Replace shame-based thinking with empowering messages that affirm consent and personal responsibility.
• Practice patience while unlearning sex shame, and consider therapy for deeper support.

Summary

Shame associated with sex often stems from early messages and value systems formed before personal identity fully develops. Tameca Harris- Jackson explains how sex shame can create a persistent belief that something is inherently wrong with oneself, making it difficult to move forward. Understanding where these beliefs originated, such as cultural norms, safety concerns or authority figures’ guidance, is a crucial first step in loosening their emotional hold.

By reevaluating whether past messages still align with their current values, individuals can begin to replace shame with a more self-affirming perspective. Adopting new internal messages that normalize consensual pleasure and personal choice helps dismantle harmful beliefs over time. This process requires patience, self-compassion and sometimes professional support, reinforcing that growth around sex shame takes time but is entirely achievable.

The key takeaways and summary were created with the assistance of generative AI. An AARP editor reviewed and refined the content for accuracy and clarity.

Full transcript

[0:00:00] In my practice, I see a lot of clients who struggle with

[0:00:03] deep-rooted beliefs or values about sex that they picked up growing up.

[0:00:07] Messages like sex is wrong or dirty, or you’re seen as promiscuous if having

[0:00:12] sex outside of a long-term relationship.

[0:00:14] When I hear someone tell me that they grew up with shame around sex and they really want to counteract the beliefs, the first thing that I do is I provide a little bit of education about what shame is.

[0:00:26] Shame says, “I am wrong.”

[0:00:29] When we own a belief of shame that we are wrong, it feels really hard to pull ourselves out of that.

[0:00:37] Shame is usually rooted in value systems, actually that took place

[0:00:43] before we were able to develop our own identity, our own beliefs.

[0:00:47] These were from messages that we were told, how we need to be, how we need to act, how we need to navigate the world and society.

[0:00:55] It is important to start thinking about the origin of those messages, why you received those messages, and what was happening during that time in your life.

[0:01:04] For example, if you were told by your teachers that sex was wrong, this message was probably influenced by pregnancy or safety concerns, cultural norms at the time, or sometimes even issues of control.

[0:01:18] Ask yourself, does it feel like these values from the past apply to your life now?

[0:01:26] When you understand why the message was given at that time,

[0:01:31] It can start to loosen its power.

[0:01:33] Now that’s not to villainize the people who gave those messages, because they gave those messages for a reason that was important to them.

[0:01:41] Try to counteract this feeling of guilt or shame with your own new message,

[0:01:46] saying to yourself something like, “I’m a responsible adult. There’s nothing

[0:01:52] wrong with engaging in consensual sex. It is OK, appropriate and normal to

[0:01:58] want good and pleasurable things in your life.” Remember, these beliefs

[0:02:03] didn’t form overnight, and they won’t disappear overnight either.

[0:02:07] So give yourself permission to move slowly, to be patient with the process.

[0:02:13] And if these feelings still feel overwhelming, working

[0:02:16] with a therapist can also help.

[0:02:19] For more content like this, visit aarp.org/inthemood