What to Do When Your Partner’s Adult Children Resent or Don’t Trust You

Key takeaways

• Lead with empathy by inviting open conversations about your partner’s adult children’s concerns.
• Establish clear boundaries and form a united plan to strengthen your partnership and ease tension.
• Prioritize your emotional well-being while respecting your partner’s readiness to tackle family dynamics.

Summary

Navigating a relationship with your partner’s adult children can be one of the most challenging aspects of dating later in life. When adult children resent or don’t trust you, sex therapist Sari Cooper recommends approaching the situation with empathy and open communication. Start by inviting a calm conversation with your partner about their children’s feelings, and remember to focus on your own emotions rather than casting blame. This gentle approach encourages collaboration and helps prevent defensiveness.

Setting clear boundaries and forming a united plan with your partner not only eases family tensions but also builds a stronger foundation for your relationship. Cooper emphasizes that healthy relationships aren’t about eliminating obstacles, but about working through them with respect and understanding. If your partner isn’t ready to address the issue, respect their pace while prioritizing your own well-being. By remaining compassionate and clear about your needs, you can navigate complex family dynamics and cultivate more satisfying, resilient connections.

The key takeaways and summary were created with the assistance of generative AI. An AARP editor reviewed and refined the content for accuracy and clarity.

Full Transcript:

[00:00:00] When you start dating someone later in life, it’s likely that you’re not only navigating a relationship with your partner, but with your partner’s family.
[00:00:08] And sometimes those ties can create challenges. Adult children sometimes view a parent’s new partner as a threat.
[00:00:15] They may worry that the new relationship could bring changes to close family bonds, financial decisions, living arrangements or even inheritance.
[00:00:24] So what can you do when your partner’s adult children resent or distrust you? My first piece of advice is to see if your partner’s willing to talk about it.
[00:00:34] A simple way to start is, “I’d like to talk about the situation with your son or daughter.
[00:00:40] Is now a good time?” Approaching the topic with sensitivity gives your partner space to prepare
[00:00:47] for what could be a heavy discussion. If you bring up something sensitive about someone they love when they’re
[00:00:52] stressed or distracted, it can feel like an ambush and lead to defensiveness.
[00:00:58] Remember, you don’t want to have this conversation unless they’re ready to have it, and if they’re not open to hearing your concerns, well, we’ll talk
[00:01:08] about how to handle that in a moment. But if they are open to talking about it, begin with appreciation.
[00:01:14] Say something like, “I value how close you are with your kids. You’re a great parent and I know how important that is to you, and
[00:01:22] I’d like to talk about how I’ve been feeling around your son or daughter.” This sets up a collaborative tone instead of sounding critical. Then
[00:01:30] focus on your feelings, not blame. Once you and your partner are ready to take the next steps to improve the
[00:01:36] situation, start by setting a clear path on how to move forward together.
[00:01:41] This includes deciding who will approach the children. My advice is to have the parent of the children who are having a problem
[00:01:50] with the new relationship be the person to privately discuss the issues. Ask your partner, though, if they want your advice on how to approach them. Or what to
[00:01:59] do if the situation doesn’t get better. By having a plan as a couple, you create a united front and ensure
[00:02:06] that you both are on the same page. Now if your partner isn’t ready to engage their children or isn’t prepared
[00:02:14] to take the next steps in resolving the situation, don’t try to force change.
[00:02:20] You need to respect their decision. Perhaps they aren’t or will never be ready to address
[00:02:25] issues involving their children. In that case, you need to take a step back and focus on your own well-being.
[00:02:33] Ask yourself, What do I need right now to feel OK? That might mean leaning on friends for support, giving your partner space,
[00:02:42] limiting contact with their adult children, or even considering whether the relationship still works for you.
[00:02:49] Healthy relationships aren’t about eliminating challenges. They’re about navigating them with respect and understanding.
[00:02:57] When you approach these situations with curiosity, compassion and clear
[00:03:03] boundaries, you’re not just solving a problem, you’re strengthening the foundation of your relationship.
[00:03:08] For more content like this, visit aarp.org/InTheMood