Received a Holiday Gift You Didn’t See Coming? Here’s What to Do

The holidays are supposed to be merry and bright, but let’s face it, they can also be a minefield of social awkwardness. One scenario: You’re sipping a cup of cocoa at a holiday party, noshing on a gingerbread cookie, when a friend hands you a beautifully wrapped gift. Your heart warms … then sinks. You didn’t buy them anything!

Before you spiral into guilt or sprint to the nearest store, take a breath. There are ways to handle the situation that will keep your friendship — and your dignity — intact.

Last year a friend gave me a gift for the holidays, but I hadn’t gotten anything for her in return. I said something like, “Oh, I didn’t realize we were exchanging gifts!” and felt really awkward about it. What should I say if someone gives me a holiday gift but I didn’t buy one for them? Also, should I make sure I have something for my friend in case she gives me a gift again this year?

’Tis the season to… feel awkward?

Receiving a holiday gift when you don’t have one to give in return is a moment many people have experienced. A friend once gifted me a stuffed animal bee from her store (in reference to my nickname, Bee, because I was always busy like a bee), and I wasn’t expecting it. I know that the guilt of not having something to give in return can be a lasting memory. But fear not — there are ways to be gracious and polite when the situation arises.  

Money Manners

Lizzie Post is AARP's financial etiquette columnist. She is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. She’s also the co-president of The Emily Post Institute, co-author of Emily Post’s Etiquette: the Centennial Edition and co-host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast.

Have a question? Email us at moneymanners@aarp.org. 

First, avoid the urge to apologize. There’s also no need to tell a white lie, like “Oh, I got something for you, but it hasn’t arrived yet” or “I forgot your gift on my way out the door. I’ll bring it to you tomorrow.”

While you may feel embarrassed, gift-giving is not necessarily a reciprocal act, so don’t put your focus on not having a present to offer. Instead, focus on the gift you’ve been given and your friend’s generosity: “Oh, Jenny! I love it, thank you! This is so sweet of you.”

Here’s another way to think of it: Imagine you purchased a holiday gift for your friend without knowing whether she’d have one for you. You weren’t dreaming about what she might give you in return — you were picturing how she’d react and if she’d find your gift funny, helpful or endearing. It’s likely your friend was thinking the same about the gift she gave you — she wanted you to be delighted. And that is the best response you can give when presented with a gift: to show your delight.

To answer your second question: No, you’re not on the hook to add her to your holiday gift list forevermore. Our list of holiday gift recipients often changes from year to year, and that’s OK.

Bottom line: Holiday gift giving isn’t about reciprocity or guessing who from your social circles might get you a holiday gift. It’s about showing your loved ones appreciation in a way that works within your budget.

Happy holidays!

PS: Check out my column on the etiquette rules for regifting presents.