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How to Keep the Peace When You’re Leaving More to One Child in Your Will
If you’re bequeathing unequal inheritances, careful planning and transparency can help prevent conflict
4-minute read
Chris Gash
Key takeaways
- Parents may leave unequal inheritances because of a child’s special needs, earning potential, unpaid caregiving or earlier financial support.
- Legal and financial professionals can help parents write their will and other estate documents.
- Explaining the decision to adult children while you’re alive may prevent conflict after you die.
When crafting their estate plan, some parents take great pains to ensure the division of their assets is equal among their children. Others take a different, more controversial approach.
More than 1 in 3 parents with wills are planning to distribute their estate unequally, according to a 2023 research paper published in the journal European Economic Review.
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The reasons are as varied as families themselves, says Alissa Krasner Maizes, founder of Amplify My Wealth, a financial planning firm in Boca Raton, Florida. Sometimes, she sees parents decide to make unequal divisions because they’re providing care for a child with special needs or one child has significantly higher earning potential. For example, if one kid is a physician and the other is a teacher, parents may think the educator could benefit from more support.
Christina Lynn, a certified financial planner with wealth management firm Mariner in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, says some parents make unequal divisions for business, cultural or religious reasons. Where she lives, she says, it’s not uncommon to see parents who own an agricultural business decide to leave the lion’s share of it to the child who will carry on the family farm or ranch.
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Parents may also decide to leave a smaller inheritance — or no inheritance at all — to estranged children.
Christa, 61, plans to leave different proportions of her estate to her three adult children. (Her last name is being withheld for privacy.) Her son, who is in his mid-20s, was born with a life-threatening circulatory system defect. An early surgery left him with developmental disabilities that she worries could make it more difficult for him to achieve a high-earning career. To help provide for his needs, she plans to leave him a larger inheritance than her other children.
Practical matters
State inheritance laws vary, which is why many financial advisers recommend that parents consult an estate attorney to help craft a solid will and other key estate documents. They can also help you select an executor or serve as an executor.
Depending on your situation, you may want to establish a revocable living trust, a legal arrangement that allows the assets in the trust to bypass probate, the time-consuming legal process in which a will is validated and creditors get paid.
Maizes advises that parents looking to provide for children with special needs seek legal advice when assessing their trust options, since receiving a large inheritance could affect the federal and state benefits for which the child is eligible. The wrong type of trust could “negatively impact the benefits they are relying on to live their life,” she says.
Preventing conflict
Experts say parents should consider not just whether the allocation of their assets makes sense to them but also how their children are likely to interpret it.
Transparency is essential. If you don’t communicate your decisions clearly, your children may question your intentions, potentially leading to disagreements or, worse, inheritance disputes after you die.
Pam Krueger, founder and CEO of Wealthramp, a network of fee-only financial planners, recommends that parents of adult children hold a family meeting to share their estate plan. Depending on the family dynamic, it may be a good idea to have your financial adviser or estate attorney there to serve as a neutral third party and help answer questions, she says.
Make it clear that your decision to leave more to one child isn’t a reflection of favoritism or a measure of love. This can help prevent children from drawing their own conclusions about why one sibling received more than another.
Perhaps you’ve decided to distribute your estate unequally because you gave one child $50,000 toward a house years ago but didn’t do the same for your other children. Or you paid your daughter’s college expenses, while your son received a scholarship. Or one child provided you with years of unpaid caregiving. Explain such contributing factors to your kids instead of leaving them to reconstruct decades of family finances after your death.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your kids about your decision to leave an unequal inheritance, explaining your rationale in letters they can read after you’re gone may help ease the sting and head off arguments among siblings.
Revisiting your decision over time
An unequal inheritance that makes sense today may not make sense years from now. A child’s financial situation could improve or worsen, caregiving responsibilities could change, family relationships could evolve.
Review your will and other estate documents periodically and after major life events, such as a marriage or divorce, to ensure it still reflects your wishes.
The key takeaways were created with the assistance of generative AI. An AARP editor reviewed and refined the content for accuracy and clarity.
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