Staying Fit
Q: My husband has admitted that he fantasizes about other women, and that worries me. He says it's harmless, but I think it means I'm not enough for him. He says that's not true, but ... I think you fantasize about something you don't have but want, then you do it. What do you think?
A: I think your worries are misplaced. For most men, sexual fantasies are as common as having a cup of coffee. (I should add they are nearly that common for women.)
A Canadian study, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2014, found that both men and women commonly fantasized about:
- having sex with a stranger
- having sex in a public place
- having sex in a romantic locale
- being photographed having sex
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A significant number of both men and women, the study found, daydreamed about such 50 Shades of Grey kinks as being tied up or getting spanked. Men fantasized more often — and more graphically — than women, but they were hardly the only ones with edgy sex on their minds; approximately one-third of both men and women fantasized about group sex scenes.
Common themes varied. A typical male fantasy might involve oral or anal sex, or having sex with two women at the same time. A woman was more likely to fantasize about romantic themes — but also, oddly enough, about sexual submission. Indeed, a study on women reported by Psychology Today in 2015 found that more than 50 percent of women's fantasies centered on aggressive sex or forced sex with a dominant (but good-looking and desirable) stranger.
Yes, men were likelier to want some of their fantasies to come true. But most of the men surveyed — like almost all of the women — judged their fantasies to be make-believe musings, not concrete action plans. And that's the blessing of a sexual fantasy: You get the arousal without the entanglements — or trauma — of a real-life reenactment.
How can you know for certain that your husband's fantasies are harmless? If they entail Kate Winslet or Angelina Jolie, I think you're safe. But even if the object of his imagination is a nearby neighbor, that doesn't mean he's plotting an actual seduction.