Staying Fit
Does your sex life need spicing up?
When time between the sheets with a partner becomes more tedious than titillating, some people start to blame monogamy.
Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Sometimes that’s clear from the get-go, and sometimes it takes being with a single partner for decades to know that an open relationship — which, by definition, is romantic but sexually nonmonogamous — may be more satisfying in your older years.
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Twenty-five percent of men and women age 40 and older engaged in consensual nonmonogamy or polyamory, and 29 percent report that having sex with more than one person at the same time is their most common sexual fantasy, found AARP’s “Ageless Desire: Relationships and Sex in Middle Age and Beyond” report, published in September 2023.
But most older adults interested in open relationships aren’t looking for one-night stands, says Kathy Labriola, author of Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships. Rather, they’re searching for an ongoing, casual, sexual or romantic relationship that allows them to feel comfortable and emotionally safe.
Those relationships aren’t easy to manage, says Labriola, a nurse based in Berkley, California. She says people need to go in understanding it’s not “just all fun and games.”
“A nonmonogamous relationship requires ... your time, your energy, your willingness to be vulnerable and take risks, and your willingness to communicate — a lot — with your partner and any other partner you get involved with.”
If an open relationship is something you’re engaged in already or considering, it’s important to think through and communicate with your partners what you want out of it.
Here are six tips for starting and maintaining a healthy open relationship.
Ask yourself why you want an open relationship
This act of self-reflection is critical, experts say. You need to consider your motivation for wanting an open relationship — and whether you have the capacity to manage the multiple people and emotions and just plain scheduling you’ll be dealing with, Labriola says.
“The biggest problem I see is that people sort of stumble into these situations not really knowing what it is they’re looking for, or what they hope to gain from it, or what they hope to experience,” she says.
Communicate with your partner clearly and gracefully
Be clear about your expectations from the get-go, but do so with sensitivity — whether you are looking for a new partner or looking to shift from monogamy to an open relationship with a current partner, says Los Angeles-based Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.
One way to “get into the pool through the shallow end” is by mentioning you read an article about it online, she says.