Do Thank-You Notes Matter Anymore?

For my new Modern Manners column, I’ll address your burning questions about etiquette and civility in social situations large or intimate, in person or online. Some etiquette advice is timeless. But changes in our culture, technology, parenting and grandparenting styles; the ways we approach caregiving; and how we communicate with one another have rewritten some of the etiquette rules we’ll be exploring. To start, I’m tackling a timely question about thank-you notes in the digital age.   

Now that the holidays are over, what’s the best way to send my thanks for presents received: text, email, a mailed handwritten note? And who really needs one?

’Tis the season for expressing our gratitude after the holidays! 

With so many communication options at our fingertips today, it can be hard to know exactly the best way to express our gratitude, or to whom we should direct it. Is an in-person thanks enough? Should you call, text or send a video? Can you do it via social media? Do you have to thank someone like your mom or brother with a formal note? This etiquette minefield is confusing enough to make anyone just hunker down until spring. 

Modern Manners

Navigate today’s often complex social situations with expert tips from Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. Lizzie will help you find the suitable words to say and proper things to do when dealing with family, friends, and your in-person and online communities.

Email your etiquette questions to modernmanners@aarp.org

If you open a gift in front of the giver and express your gratitude in the moment, you do not need to write a thank-you note later. Of course, you can if you wish to, but consider your duty, from an etiquette standpoint, to be done. 

If you open a gift and the giver isn’t present, reach out to let them know it was received (and enjoyed). Regardless of our connection to someone — immediate or extended family, friend, colleague — acknowledging the thoughtfulness that others bring to our lives is an incredibly important part of human connection. It strengthens our interactions and relationships with family and community. How you choose to do it may change based on who the giver is and what you know they might appreciate. 

A handwritten thank-you note is the gold standard of appreciation when a gift is not opened in front of the giver. It demonstrates effort and thoughtfulness. It takes time, and it’s personal because it comes directly from your hand, with your unique handwriting. It’s not that we don’t communicate sincerely via text almost every single day, but a gift is something special, and it deserves special recognition whenever possible.

It’s best to use a blank card, though it isn’t wrong to use one with a printed message on it. You just don’t want that message to carry all the weight. Make sure your personal written message shines through. The basics of a good thank-you note are simple: Greet the recipient, state your thanks clearly, praise a little something about the gift. Issue well-wishes to the recipient, add a closing and your signature, and you’re finished!

When to send? As soon as possible, but remember it’s never too late. Don’t skip out on thanking someone just because it’s a few weeks after the holidays.

For some relationships — oftentimes peers, but also between people who are a generation apart — a phone call or video chat might be preferred over a note; it can lead to a catch-up conversation and a more meaningful connection. Just be sure that the thanks are issued at the start, and with great enthusiasm. You want the giver to know that this call was first and foremost about thanking them for their generosity.