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What Should a Holiday Guest Always Do?
Our etiquette expert advises on how to be the guest every host wants at their holiday table, from Thanksgiving through New Year’s
3-minute read
One thing a holiday guest should always do: participate enthusiastically in the party theme, even if it's silly.
Jon Krause
As a guest at holiday gatherings, it’s important to have our best manners front and center. For older guests, the anonymous question below highlights a timely concern: how to avoid wearing out their welcome, particularly if mobility, dietary needs or stamina are issues.
I’m lucky to be invited to several holiday gatherings each year, but I sometimes worry about being a burden. What should I keep in mind if I want to be invited back?
Modern Manners
Navigate today’s often complex social situations with Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette icon Emily Post. Lizzie will help you find the suitable words to say and the proper things to do when dealing with family, friends and community.
The fact that you’re concerned about being a desirable guest already suggests that you’re a conscientious, thoughtful person. But I want to reassure you that you are not a burden to your host. You were invited not because you could be helpful but because the host wanted you to come. They feel your presence will be a good thing, and they want you to enjoy yourself.
Let’s look at some best practices that show consideration for your hosts and ensure you’ll be invited back.
RSVP! Whether you received the invitation by mail, email or text, RSVPing promptly will make it easier for the host to plan and prepare. If your reply is “yes,” the RSVP is a good moment to connect with the host about allergies, food restrictions and accessibility concerns. If your dietary needs are extensive, offer to bring something you (and maybe others) can enjoy.
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Show up on time. Unless it’s an open-house party with start and end times, you want to arrive within the first 15 to 30 minutes. For a more formal dinner party, arrive within the first 10 to 20 minutes.
Don’t forget your contribution. If you’ve been asked to bring a side dish, beverages or hors d’oeuvres, don’t leave your host hanging. You’ll want to check with your host about how many servings are needed, and it can’t hurt to let them know what you’d like to bring. Arrive with a hosting gift only if it’s your first time at the host’s home or if it’s a popular trend in your social circle.
Avoid bringing extras. While arriving with more food than you were asked to bring is OK, don’t show up with items beyond what was asked for. It’s especially important not to show up with uninvited guests.
Join in the party theme and activities. Ugly sweater? Secret Santa? Sharing out loud what you’re grateful for? Even if you think it’s silly or embarrassing, lean in! Stay present and off your phone during the party.
Eat, drink and be merry! Feel confident helping yourself to the refreshments offered and chatting with guests, even those you may not already know. Be mindful of portion sizes relative to the number of people at the party. Remember, you can usually go back for more.
Offer help, or don’t. While it’s very thoughtful to offer help with duties like refilling drinks and hors d’oeuvres platters, or even party setup or cleanup, this should only be done at casual parties where you know the host very well. The more formal the occasion, the more you leave this to your host and any helpers they’ve already enlisted.
Say “good night” and “thank you.” Be sure to say farewell to the other guests and find your host to say thank-you and goodbye before you go. Should you find yourself thinking about that great party in the days afterward, it’s always a good move to write a thank-you note and send it to the host. Texts and calls work well, too, but imagine your host’s delight to see that you took the time to reflect on and write about their celebration and how welcome it made you feel.
Whatever parties you attend this holiday season, we hope that you, your friends and family have a wonderful and safe time.
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More Modern Manners
From gift-giving to dog-walking, etiquette expert Lizzie Post has tips for every social situation