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How Celebrations of Life Differ From Funerals
The dress code, tone and offerings may vary, but certain etiquette remains unchanged
3-minute read
A celebration of life allows for more personal tributes, from wearing the deceased’s favorite color to choosing a casual venue that reflects their personality.
Jon Krause
Celebrations of life have grown in popularity over the last few decades as families look for more personal ways to honor and reflect on a loved one’s life. Since they are often less tradition-bound, they can raise etiquette questions such as the one below, submitted separately by AARP readers Cliff C. and Kay D.
What is the best gift to give the widow when attending a celebration of life?
We have many ways to mark someone’s death and remember their life. Funerals tend to be more somber and ritualized, often involving a religious ceremony and with mourners wearing dark clothing. A celebration of life can take many forms and may not include a ceremony.
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In general, a celebration of life is just that: time to gather and remember the deceased with love and joy. The event may include sharing stories and memories, a buffet or potluck, and even dancing, singing, jokes and laughter. Celebrations of life can take place days, weeks or months after a funeral service and are held in a range of settings: someone’s home, a favorite pub, a local park or beach, a club to which the deceased belonged.
Modern Manners
Navigate today’s often complex social situations with Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette icon Emily Post. Lizzie will help you find the suitable words to say and the proper things to do when dealing with family, friends and community.
What to wear: Double-check the celebration of life invitation or announcement for a request on what to wear, such as “Please wear yellow; it was Hal’s favorite color.” Otherwise, take your cues from the event’s location, the time of day and what you know about the deceased, their family and friends, and local customs. A more formal location in the late afternoon or evening is more likely to suggest semiformal attire (trousers, not jeans; blazers and suits rather than sweaters and polos; cocktail or garden dresses). A more casual venue, such as a park, a beach or a pub, held midday, may call for more relaxed attire, such as a business-casual outfit or jeans and a nice sweater. It’s probably best to avoid wearing anything super casual, like T-shirts, ripped jeans, shorts, flip-flops or worn sneakers.
What to bring: In general, bringing a traditional hostess-type gift is unnecessary and may even be out of place. You never have to bring anything but yourself to any of these events.
That said, flower arrangements and easily frozen dishes (if the event is held at the bereaved’s home) are commonly given to the bereaved, whether to bring some cheer or to make daily tasks like meal prep a bit easier. Donating money, whether to help during this difficult time or to contribute to service costs, is a tradition in some communities. If you give money, do so with a check or cash, in an envelope and with a card.
A celebration of life invitation may include a suggestion, such as “In lieu of flowers, we request that donations be made to Hal’s favorite charity.” Absent those requests, it’s more a question of what seems practical to bring, if anything.
If you were close with the deceased, then check in with the widow’s children or other relatives to see what would be most appreciated. That may involve the gift of your time: offering to come over to play cards or get together for a coffee, for example, or hosting the surviving relatives for dinner at your house.
A handwritten condolence note is also a traditional offering, and it should be sent to the bereaved’s home, not given at the time of the service.
No matter the type of service, your primary etiquette responsibility is to speak with the deceased’s relatives and offer your heartfelt condolences in person.
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