AARP Hearing Center
When Friends Overshare Health Problems
Here’s how to talk about medical and other body concerns without crossing someone else’s comfort zone
2-minute read
You can care deeply about a friend’s health challenge but not want a play-by-play of their every symptom or procedure.
Jon Krause
Warnings now precede much of the content we consume. A news video may include a graphic content notice; a theater informs audiences about any upcoming strobe lights or smoke effects. But there’s no warning label for an in-person conversation when the discussion turns to health issues, as it so often does between older adults. Our anonymous questioner below brings up an issue you may have wondered about yourself: How much is too much?
When is it acceptable to ask friends not to share alarming health stories, and what’s the limit to what you should discuss about your body?
It may be hard to gauge what’s TMI (too much information) about health and body issues. On the one hand, being open and talking about some health concerns helps to normalize them, especially when it comes to reproductive and mental health, body image, cosmetic surgery and other concerns that people have typically felt stigmatized or embarrassed about.
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That said, it’s important to remember that each person has their own comfort level, and what one person is willing to share isn’t always what another person is comfortable hearing.
Modern Manners
Navigate today’s often complex social situations with Lizzie Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette icon Emily Post. Lizzie will help you find the suitable words to say and the proper things to do when dealing with family, friends and community.
Context matters. What may be acceptable to talk about in your friend group or with your siblings might not be appropriate for a dinner party or with work friends. In general, don’t share all the details unless the person you’re speaking with asks or seems interested in hearing more. For many people over 50, conversations about doctor appointments, chronic conditions, surgeries and medications become more common. Some people think discussing any of those subjects is oversharing, while others feel they’re just part of daily life.
It’s hard to know what someone’s limit might be, but you can always ask first and give permission for someone to stop you if they start getting uncomfortable: “Are you OK hearing about the symptoms? Anything specific that you’re sensitive to?” Or: “Let me know if something starts to sound like too much, and I can dial it back.”
Also, think twice before texting or posting photos of your condition. Even something like an image of a healing wound may make someone anxious. If someone has started sharing without asking for your permission, it’s OK to interrupt them to make your limits clear. You want to do this delicately, though, because they are going through a health issue and experiencing symptoms, and you want them to feel supported. Try: “Jen, I have to admit, I’m super squeamish when it comes to details about surgery. But I want to be here for you and support you. Can you give me the edited version?”
A good friend will understand and find ways to minimize the “too much” in “TMI.”
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