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My Wife Flirts With Me but Doesn’t Want Sex

The experts say: Learn how to flirt back

3-minute read

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

Published October 29, 2026

A woman alluring points her partner to come hither, but remains tantalizingly out of his reach

Jon Krause

Just curious — how many times has this happened to you? You flirt with your partner, wanting a cuddle and connection. They, however, read your advance as an invitation for sex — and right now.

You shut down; they get shut down. No happy ending here.

This week, we explore this all-too-common dynamic. It brought up memories for me, that’s for sure.

Why does my wife tease or flirt with me like she wants to have sex, but when I try to get frisky with her, she comes up with plans to be with our adult children or grandchildren? Frustrated! — Submitted by R.R.

Don’t worry, Mr. Frustrated, our sexuality and relationship experts have some ideas for you.

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Looking for connection way before sex. Oftentimes, people who tease and flirt need an intellectual or emotional connection before — as relationship counselor Allison Kent bluntly puts it — physicality follows.

“Bantering and being playful is your wife’s bid for connection,” says Kent, a licensed clinical social worker. “Immediately moving to sex or assuming it’s the automatic next step could create pressure, making it easy for her to say that she needs to be with the kids instead.”

In other words, you may be going from zero to 60 without a sufficient warm-up. Vroom, vroom!

Flirting can be sexy without sex. Some people get a lot of pleasure out of flirting — it can add an erotic charge and sexual energy to a relationship. But sex, according to certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, is not always the endgame.

The outcome in your situation: a gap in expectations. “In relationships, we aren’t always clear on each other’s intentions,” says Francis. “It’s hard to know what another person wants unless they say so.”

So go ahead and say so. This may be a tough conversation to have, but do it — and keep it real, respectful and gentle. No blaming or attacking, says Francis.

Francis suggests saying something to your wife like: “Sometimes it feels like you want to have sex with me, and when I respond to what I think is an invitation, you’re otherwise scheduled. Are you trying to start something when you do X, Y or Z? I just want to understand.”

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Sexuality educator Jane Fleishman says to ask your wife what exactly she’s trying to telegraph when she’s teasing or flirting. It might be that she’s not flirting at all but just being warm, Fleishman says, and that may be all she wants in the moment.

Find out if the sex is still good for her. Ask your wife how it feels to have sex with you. Perhaps you’ll uncover some deeper disappointments or feelings of loss or sexual pain that you didn’t know about, Fleishman says.

You also want to find out if she’s still interested in you sexually. Be prepared for her to answer honestly, and try not to get defensive. If she is still interested, Fleishman suggests asking her if she’d feel more comfortable initiating sex in your relationship.

If she’s not interested, find out why, and talk about what you could do differently.

Fleishman also says to make room for silence as you each think, feel and take in each other’s words. She also says not to expect your whole sexual or relationship dynamic to change overnight.

“It may take time. And more talking. These are ongoing conversations,” Fleishman says. When either of you feels it’s getting too difficult, she adds, take a break, do something else and make a commitment to come back to it later.

Flirt back. Play the game the way your wife likes it, recognizing that a woman’s desire for sexual excitement and arousal is often responsive, as opposed to spontaneous.

Relationship coach Annette Benedetti says your job is to flirt back. Tell her how much you desire her, and engage in foreplay that can last all day long through little kisses, a hand on the lower back or sexy messages like “You take my breath away.”

“Anticipation is one of the strongest aphrodisiacs,” says Benedetti, host of the Talk Sex With Annette podcast.

Bottom line: communication. “The long-term couples I’ve seen who can [talk about sex] are the ones still having great sex,” Fleishman says. “You can, too.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

Ellen Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

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