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My Aging Body Can't Compete With the Porn My Husband Watches
The experts say it’s not a competition
3-minute read
Kiersten Essenpreis
A lot of women, myself included, have experienced low self-esteem around our aging bodies: wrinkles, crepey skin, extra pounds.
Not exactly the moment to compare ourselves to the perfection some folks find in porn. That’s what troubles our questioner this week: How can she compete with the hot bodies her partner enjoys watching?
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You don’t, says sex and relationship coach Annette Benedetti. “That’s like comparing a home-cooked meal, that nourishes you and is made by someone you love, to a meal you see on a professionally-produced chef show. It’s a totally different thing.”
How can my aging body compete with the women my husband sees in porn? — Submitted by G.H.
First off, our experts say your aging body is a cause for celebration. So celebrate!
Learn to love your body. Rebecca Hartman, a licensed mental health counselor at the Hawai’i Center for Sexual and Relationship Health, urges you to learn to love your aging body, which, she acknowledges, is “sadly” not the norm among us.
A body isn’t just about its appearance, says Hartman: “There’s empowerment in being able to recognize and celebrate not just what aging bodies look like, but the fact that your body is so much more than what it looks like.”
It is made for so many wonderful things, Hartman says, from connecting with others to dancing, walking in nature and looking at art.
Actionable steps:
- Find a physical outlet. Take a pole-dancing, salsa or Zumba class to amp up your "sex esteem,” says sex therapist Sari Cooper. Or have a dance party with a bunch of girlfriends. Both will make you feel happy and present in your own body.
- Join a strength-training class. Not only is this psychologically and physically empowering, Cooper says it will improve your mood, too.
- Bring back the flirt. Oftentimes it’s not just the youthful physiques of porn performers that men are drawn to but a sense of delight elicited from their seductive, flirty expressions, says Cooper, adding that most long-term couples get out of the habit of flirting with each other.
About that competition. Allison Kent, a licensed clinical social worker and relationship counselor, says there’s no need to compete with the porn your husband watches. Why? Because it isn’t real.
Your husband’s fantasy life, Kent says, doesn’t take away from the love and attraction you two have for each other.
To put it into context, Kent says: “When you fantasize about a sexual encounter, do you think of an old man with gray hair, erectile dysfunction and a CPAP machine who you need to remind to take out the trash? Probably not.”
Talk things through with your husband. Ask about what he watches, and why. “This is an opportunity to better understand your partner’s desires, wants and needs,” Benedetti says. “It’s also an opportunity for you to share yours.”
And consider this: Maybe some of what he likes can be brought into your sex life with him. “Make that fantasy your own bedroom reality,” she suggests.
If you have issues with the frequency or timing of his porn use, Kent suggests asking your husband not to watch it in front of you, if that has become his practice. But she says to respect his right to privacy to watch it when he’s alone.
Bottom line. Benedetti says to lean into your relationship. “You know what his body responds to, what feels good to him, what his interests are. What you bring to the table, no adult media can give him.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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