I Am a Serial Dater in My 50s. How Do I Settle Down?

A man writes that he’s addicted to the chase. The relationships that follow — not so much

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published October 09, 2025

an older adult male is handed a bouquet of flowers from a woman. He already has several other bouquets he is carrying in his right arm

Kiersten Essenpreis

I’ve dated a couple of men like our reader with this week’s question. They turn up the heat, get you hot and bothered — and then slam you with the big chill. Oof!

Turns out, it’s really common behavior for folks who are supercharged by “the chase.” What doesn’t seem to turn them on: making an intimate connection.

Here’s one who wants to change now that he’s in his 50s. Our experts want you to know: If you put in the effort to break the cycle, you can. Here’s how.

My last girlfriend accused me of being a serial dater — and I’m afraid she’s right. I love the chase, the romance, but when things get serious sexually and romantically, I back off and push the person away. What’s wrong with me? I’m a male in my 50s. Is it too late to break the cycle?

Licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Rachel Needle sends you kudos. “The ability to reflect on our patterns without defensiveness — and to want something different — is a real sign of growth,” she says. “You’re not broken, you’re just ready to evolve.”

Highs and lows. Just to be clear on what that pattern is, the love of the chase is a high, pure and simple, says certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, adding that the following sentiments should sound familiar to our questioner when they are in the chase part of the relationship: “I want to get to know you.” “I want to be around you all the time.” “I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Feeling intense and powerful at the very beginning of a possible romance can be seductive and even a little addictive, says Francis, who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist. “We can get really attached to that kind of energy and want to hold on to it, but it’s unsustainable,” she explains. “Every high has a comedown.”

When the high wears off. Francis says that the “sober” elements of a relationship are about finding connection in the stillness, building intimacy, and expressing vulnerability and sharing. At this point, a relationship usually involves a level of commitment.

It’s also at this point that a person who likes the chase typically withdraws, Francis says.

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Understanding the “why.” Part of the recovery process involves digging into the reasons behind why you do what you do.

Francis suggests that you ask yourself these two questions: “What is happening for me as the high comes down? And, is it fear, discomfort, clarity?”

Certified sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist Chris Fariello says the behavior pattern suggests you’re protecting something. The pivotal question is: What are you protecting yourself from?

Among the possibilities, according to Fariello, founder of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy:

Fear of vulnerability. The early stages of dating are safe in part because you’re presenting a curated version of yourself. Once things get intimate, real emotional exposure begins, and that can feel dangerous.
Idealization and disillusionment. You might be falling in love with the idea of a person or the feeling of being desired. Once you understand who that person actually is, you detach.
Unprocessed past relationships. If past heartbreaks, betrayals or disappointments weren’t dealt with, they might be subconsciously guiding your current behavior.

Sometimes people back away from love not because they don’t want it but because they don’t yet feel safe in it, says Needle, codirector of Florida-based Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing education provider offering a doctorate program in clinical sexology.

Other possible reasons for the love-and-run, according to Needle:

Sexual or emotional performance pressure. Midlife can bring up insecurities about aging, sex or desirability. When intimacy becomes more emotionally charged, some people worry about not measuring up, and the fear of “failing” can lead them to sabotage the relationship early on instead.
Loss of self. You might fear that getting close means losing your autonomy or identity, especially if you’ve spent a long time single, independent or in control.

How to break the cycle. Real intimacy can feel risky, but Needle says it’s also where the most meaningful love, and the deepest healing, can happen. The goal, she says, isn’t to become someone else but to become more fully yourself in your relationships.

Here is Needle’s advice:

Slow things down. Let relationships build gradually so you can stay present without the pressure to sexually or emotionally perform or commit prematurely.
Be curious, not critical. When you get the urge to pull away, ask yourself: “What am I really afraid of right now?”
Consider working with a therapist. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Therapy can help you unpack the fears, patterns and unspoken beliefs that may be shaping your love life more than you realize.
Practice staying. When someone gets close and your reflex is to run — pause. Stay just a little longer. Sometimes change starts in that single moment of staying with discomfort, instead of avoiding it.

Francis offers these suggestions:

Say what you want. If you are fearful of losing your autonomy — the number one reason Francis hears from clients who love and leave — advocate for what you want and need in life to feel like the fullest version of yourself (hobbies, routines, rituals). No true partner says, “I want you to have less joy, less fun, experience a smaller life.”
Invite intimacy in. Yes, intimacy can involve disappointment, confusion and conflict — and men tend to avoid relationship conflict. But a consequence of avoiding intimacy is loneliness. This is a “Choose Your Own Adventure” story. Either take the risk or accept the realities of loneliness.
Keep the thrills coming. You don’t have to abandon romance and the chase — you can build it into other parts of your relationship. Lots of women would be attracted to an “I love romance” partner who continues to actively pursue them. Be that guy.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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