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How to Tell if Someone Is Interested in Romance
If you haven’t dated in a while, it might be easy to miss (or misconstrue) those flirty cues
John W. Tomac
I’ll never forget going out on my first date after my husband died. Nice guy. No sparks. But my date must have felt something I didn’t. Over the course of an hour, he planned future outings for us, asked some pretty personal questions and, at the end, pulled me in for a hug.
I was reminded of all that by our reader this week, who’s looking for info on how to gauge a potential suitor’s interest. The signs I just described? Classic.
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How can you tell if someone is romantically interested in you? After years of not being with anyone, I am not sure what signs to look for.
First off, be clear on what you want. Before trying to sort out what someone’s intentions are, start with a self-inventory, suggests Shadeen Francis, a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist.
Among the questions to ask yourself:
- Do I like them?
- If I like them, does that mean I want to be in a romantic or committed relationship?
- Do I want a sexual relationship with them?
- Do I want to integrate them into my social world or personal hobbies?
Francis says this question sums it up: “What level of investment am I willing to make here?”
Verbal signs that signal romantic interest. Someone who is romantically interested in you will send an array of signals that are fairly direct, says certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City.
They may ask about your life and listen intently to your responses, says Cooper. They might also pay you a strong compliment about your personality (“I love the way you make everyone feel so welcome”) or your appearance (“Love that shirt on you, it really brings out your eye color”) in a warm tone while gazing into your eyes.
Other indicators, according to Francis: suggesting that you spend time together one-on-one, expressing an interest in sharing their hobbies with you, or introducing you to people who are important to them.
Talking about the future in ways that include you is a big clue, says Francis. For example, “There’s a great show coming out in a couple of months that you might enjoy,” or “I only make this over the holidays. Maybe I’ll make it for you sometime.”
Nonverbal cues. Showing interest in someone is not just talk. Body language plays a key part, says Rebecca Hartman, a licensed mental health counselor at the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health in Honolulu.
Are they touching your arm or shoulder? Are they in your personal space? “We tend to have different zones of proximity,” Hartman notes. “If they are in your space, you can guess they are interested.”
While it’s very much culturally dependent, Hartman points to research that defines an “intimate zone” as ranging from direct contact to 18 inches, while a “personal zone” ranges from 18 inches to 4 feet.
Cooper says another signal is when someone tries to catch your eye, then locks eyes a little longer than a friend would.
How to talk on dating apps. Thanks to dating apps, Hartman says, people are used to speaking very frankly, largely because the conversations are by text. So if you’re looking for love that way, be prepared.
“That level of distance means people open up more about what they are looking for,” says Hartman, adding that the type of relationship a person wants is a common early question.
Take the direct route. A direct approach can work well, even in person. If you are interested in someone, Francis says don’t wait for them. Go ahead and say it first: “I’m interested in you,” or “Are you interested in me?”
As Hartman puts it: “If we can’t ask, what hope for a relationship is there?”
Francis says she’s noticed that a lot of older adults tend to be more direct about expressing their romantic intentions.
“They’re not interested in what feels like mystery or game-playing,” she explains. “They want to make the most of their free time. A lot of times, they want to skip to the good part.”
Certified mediator and relationship coach Stella Harris says looking for signs could be a recipe for disaster. She’s a big proponent of “just ask.”
“There’s no way to make a scary or awkward situation worse than by refusing to be straightforward,” she says. “I get it — no one wants rejection — but I believe people are terrible at reading signs.”
And what if you are wrong about those signs and they reject you? Hartman wants to assure you that a rejection of dating you is not a rejection of you as a human being. “Your value is unchanged from when you asked to before you asked the question,” she says.
If the person isn’t capable of communicating their interest level, Hartman says there’s no point in pursuing a romantic connection.
Harris says to remember that your suitors aren’t competing with each other, but with you: your peace of mind, your enjoyment of your own time and how you choose to spend it. At this point, remember that you come first.
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