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I Just Got Ghosted and Feel Awful! And How to Date Without Apps

Experts answer the questions you are too embarrassed to ask

Published June 20, 2024

Kiersten Essenpreis

Boo! That’s the fun kind of ghosting surprise you experience on Halloween. The other one — getting dropped by a romantic interest without even a peep — is not so fun.

My guy ghosted me four years into our relationship. No explanation, no communication. Textbook ghosting, as you’ll learn below.

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This week, four relationship coaches and therapists weigh in on how to deal when your partner ghosts you and how to jump into the dating pool old-school style (without apps!).

I’ve just been ghosted — and I’m hurting. How do I get to the other side?

Ghosting is tough because the person drops you without any explanation or communication, which can make closure difficult.

“There’s no magic pill. It’s going to hurt for a while,” says Susan Milstein, a certified sexologist through the American Board of Sexology. “As much as this feels like it’s about you, this is really about the other person.”

Among the self-care measures our experts recommend:

Express your story. Some people who’ve been ghosted feel shame or responsibility when, as sex therapist Tameca Harris-Jackson puts it, “the onus is on the other person 100 percent.” She says it’s helpful to share your experience with friends to normalize it. “People will tell you that the person was wrong, that this should never have happened. This helps affirm and validate the experience for you,” she says.

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Create rituals that give you closure. Write an email to the person, saying how you feel. “Get it all out,” says Gretchen Shanks, a sex and relationship coach certified by the Somatica Institute. “Just don’t send it.” Other rituals she recommends: Get rid of any items the person gave you. Delete photographs. Remove the person from your contacts list. “Doing something tangible helps close out the relationship. You are in charge,” she says. “Step into living your life. Remind yourself of all the things you enjoy doing, and go out and do them.”

I want to start dating again, but I’m not into dating apps. How do I connect with people?

Remember what dating was like in a long-ago, pre-app world? For many of us, smoke-filled bars come to mind. The good news is that off the dating apps, there are plenty of ways to connect that you might not have thought about.

Find your community. Whether you’re looking for someone to have casual sex with or a long-term relationship, you’ll need to create an in-person interaction, says Allison Kent, a licensed clinical social worker focusing on relationships and sexuality.

Identify an activity you enjoy or are curious about — and seek others who feel the same way. Check out event websites such as Eventbrite, Facebook Events or your community newspaper to find people gathering over shared interests at places such as a pickleball court, book club, sewing guild, Rotary meeting or BDSM club, Kent says.

“Finding your tribe is very important,” says Kent, a member of the National Coalition of Sexual Health Providers. “The way you make friends is the same way you make new partners.”

Build your best vibe. Raise your head when you’re out, and take time to notice the people around you — something not many of us do, Shanks says.

“Picking up your head is itself an invitation. Connect to what’s fabulous about you and put it out in the world,” whether it’s your genuine curiosity and openness or your sexual energy. “It’s about you.”

If you have a question about a sex or relationship issue, email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

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