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I Was Told ‘Sex Is Bad’ Growing Up. Is There Hope for My Sex Life?
A woman wants more adventure in the bedroom but can’t move past the idea that sex is wrong
VIDEO: Work through shame associated with sex by finding its roots and adopting a new message.
AARP Studios
Many of us received messages when we were young about the perils of sex: It’s only OK if you’re married; it can result in unwanted pregnancy; it’s sinful.
No one was talking about finding pleasure in sex, that’s for sure.
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Our query this week is from a woman who grew up learning that sex was bad. She wants to take charge and change her perspective for what she hopes is a more fulfilling sex life.
I like how certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, frames our questioner’s dilemma: “It’s so cool she acknowledges she grew up with a message that doesn’t fit who she wants to be at this time in her life. This is a great first step that opens up potential in and of itself.”
I’m a 60-year-old female who grew up learning sex is bad, but now I have a great partner. We want to be adventurous. How do I get there? — Submitted by H.L.
First, some background. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, who heads the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says those “sex-is-bad” messages are typically communicated by parents, community and religious institutions — often resulting in shame.
Cooper says a lot of people start sex therapy due to internal feelings of shame about the act of sex that are preventing them from enjoying the pleasure part.
Here’s how to get to the other side.
Examine the messaging. Sex and relationship coach Stella Harris says, “It’s tricky to unlearn a lifetime of programming, whether it’s general sex negativity from the culture at large or specific cultural and religious upbringings.“
But here’s an exercise that can help: Harris says to write down all the messages living in your head about sex, and detail where each one came from.
Next, figure out if the message is serving you well — or not — and whether you still have faith in the source on that topic.
Torrisi suggests that you consider your own values and the notion that these messages fall outside that value system.
“Yes, you were brought up with certain values, and maybe you used to value those messages yourself,” says Torrisi. “But our values actually do change over time. It’s perfectly fine to operate in a new value set.”
Harris says you can then “actively decide which messages you’d like to replace with new ones that suit who you are now, and who you’d like to become.” Keep it simple, if that works best for you. Instead of “sex is bad,” she says, switch it out to “sex is fun” or “sex can be good.”
How to let go of the old beliefs. For many people, those early messages linger with them as they age, says certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman. Here are three things you can do to release that messaging from your thought process.
- Speak to a trusted friend or other confidante. “It sounds like [these messages] may have caused shame,” Fleishman says. “Shame exists in the darkness. When we talk about it, it loses its power over us.”
- Talk back to the internalized voices that are causing you to feel shame. “For example, when you have a thought like ‘I am such a slut for wanting to try this kinky role-play,’ respond to that thought by reassuring yourself that trying a new sexual experience is a biological desire many humans feel,” Cooper says.
You’re teaching your brain that longing for new experiences doesn’t make you a bad or flawed person but rather an average adult who is in touch with their needs. The exercise, Cooper says, will help you replace much of the shame with accurate facts and reassurance.
- Give yourself a sexual reeducation. Cooper says learning how human anatomy functions will help you understand your desires and curiosity. A resource she recommends: a YouTube channel like Sexplanations, which, among other things, explores sex negativity.
Now about getting adventurous... Think through what more exciting sex means to you. Dr. Evelin Dacker, a sexuality educator and family medicine physician in Salem, Oregon, who specializes in sexual health, recommends expanding your definition of sex by asking yourself: “What are my desires, my fantasies?”
“I talk about this a lot with my patients,” says Dacker. “For many of them, sex is a penis-in-vagina orgasm. If you can’t do that, you’re not really having sex.”
To move past that, she suggests initially taking genital touch off the table and touching each other in other ways. Start with a soft touch, scratching with your nails or a piece of fabric or feathers. First, touch your own forearm or inner arm, then have your partner touch you.
“This helps you understand how your entire body can respond to intimate touch,” Dacker says. “For people who haven’t explored much, this is a safe way of starting.”
Fleishman suggests you each “write down the things you like to receive sexually and things you like to give — then switch papers and see if there’s anything you have in common.” For those things that do align — oral sex might be an example — explore them together. “That’s where the sexual adventure begins,” she says.
Fleishman also suggests examining what inspires you in other parts of your life, such as books or films. Inspiration for sexual adventure could be found in the same general genres, she says. “Some people really get turned on by porn, a sexy R-rated movie or a book that evokes something sexually exciting,” she says. “Find your muse, then talk about it with each other.”
Harris also wants to remind you that “adventurous is a moving target.” As she puts it: “Maybe right now it’s adventurous to have sex with the lights on or be fully nude in front of your partner. Start there. Take baby steps toward building more comfort.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
Ask your partner for support. Harris says to keep your partner in the loop so that you can approach this as a team. “Let them help you explore gently, without going too far, too fast, in a way that can do more harm than good,” she says.
“You want to find the next thing that’s just a little bit edgy for you, and then get comfortable with that before you try something else,” she suggests. “Like adding a little bit of weight at a time when you’re at the gym. You don’t go from five pounds to 100 pounds overnight — you’ll pull a muscle or break something.”
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