Caring for My Mother Leaves Me Nothing for My Wife

Caregiving can feel all-consuming, but the experts say it’s still important to pay attention to your other relationships

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published June 25, 2026

an illustration shows a man in bed relaxing with the remote. His wife is standing adjacent to the bed, all dressed up and ready to go

Jon Krause

As many of you know, caregiving is exhausting, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Our query this week is from a man who has been taking care of his mother for months, and it’s exacting a toll on his relationship with his wife.

Certified sex therapist Nan Wise bluntly frames it this way: “Caretaking is one of the most depleting things we can do. It’s rough. It’s something to navigate as a team — together.”

As a caretaker for my mother during the day for the past six months, I have nothing left for my wife in the evenings. It has been exhausting. She wants to go out and do things, but I just want to watch TV in bed. I’m worried she is going to leave me. Advice? — Submitted by S.M.

Certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis minces no words on what you need to do. She says the “difficult truth” is that even when you are pulled in other directions, you are still responsible for putting energy and attention into your marriage.

“It might not be to the degree, intensity or frequency that your wife would prefer, but hopefully she can extend some grace, understanding and patience for the reality that you are doing important caretaking work for someone you love,” Francis says. “But you will still need to do your part, even though you are tired.”

What’s at risk. “When a spouse feels perpetually deprioritized, emotional distance can grow, even when the reasons are understandable. The challenge is finding a way to honor your responsibility to your mother without unintentionally sacrificing the relationship that depends on you as a husband,” says certified sex therapist Chris Fariello. “Caring for an aging parent is an act of love and commitment, but it should not come at the complete expense of your relationship with your spouse.”

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Get creative with what time together looks like. Talk to your wife about coming up with some solutions that can help you meet each other’s needs. Some ideas:

Have quiet fun at home together. Francis says to keep it simple: Cook together, start a puzzle or put on some music and dance.
Rethink how and when you connect with your wife. Rather than relying on the evening alone when you are tired, Fariello says to look for opportunities earlier in the day: sharing breakfast, taking a walk together, having a meaningful conversation and being intimate.

“The goal is not necessarily to create large amounts of time, but to create intentional moments of connection,” says Fariello, founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy. “Even if you can only dedicate a small amount of quality time regularly, making your wife feel seen, valued and prioritized can make a significant difference.”

Take a break. Francis recommends that every few weeks you find someone who can relieve you for a few hours so you can spend time with your wife or enjoy some solo time.

“Caregivers also need care,” she says. “We only have so much in the bucket. You need to feed and fuel other parts of your life that are important.”

Tell each other how this feels for you. Wise says to try to bridge the divide by spelling out where each of you is coming from — and then figuring out how to navigate this as a team instead of as opponents.

“It sounds like there’s an opportunity for a deeper conversation with the partner who may not quite understand what it’s like for the caretaker,” says Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters. “The wife can acknowledge that she feels bad about not getting social time together. It’s perfectly valid for the partner to miss the caretaker’s company.”

Wise continues, “The best way to initiate a conversation is to reassure your partner that you’re bringing things up so that the two of you can feel more connected and have more fun.”

She suggests a conversation opener like, “Hey honey, there’s some things I’d like to talk about, challenges I’ve been having in my role as caretaker. Do you have the space to talk about it?”

It’s important you let your wife know that you value your relationship and want to create the time and energy to support and sustain it. If your wife isn’t in the headspace to talk, Wise says to agree to touch on it when she is.

Invite your wife to share your experience. Licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson recommends asking your wife to join you one day so she can fully understand what the caretaking experience is like for you.

“This is another form of intimacy, if she is willing,” explains Harris-Jackson. “After you take care of your mother together, go out and have a bite. You are going to feel better because someone helped you through it and you have a little more capacity as a couple. It’s coming together as a couple, like that, that helps you get through those tough moments.”

Ask for caregiving help. “This is the kind of situation that sometimes ends up breaking a relationship,” says sex and relationship coach Stella Harris. “If there is anyone else to ask for help [with caregiving], ask it.”

Fariello, who was a caregiver to both his mother and aunt, says, “Consider whether there are ways to share or supplement your caregiving responsibilities: through community resources, health insurance-covered services, family members, faith-based organizations or local support programs. Many caregivers wait too long to ask for help, but seeking assistance is often necessary — not only for your own well-being, but for the health of your marriage.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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