My Husband Hates PDA and It’s Getting to Me

A gay couple is at odds over whether showing affection in public is OK

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published June 18, 2026

an illustration shows an older adult gay couple on display in a museum. They are kissing with museum guests looking on

Kiersten Essenpreis

Where do you stand on public displays of affection? Cringey or go for it?

This week’s question involves a long-married couple who have quite different comfort levels when it comes to PDA — and it’s creating some discord.

My husband and I have been married for 23 years. I know things have come a long way, but as a gay couple we still sometimes get looks when we kiss in public. I have come to terms with it, but my husband hates it when I show any affection in public. Even though we’ve been together for a long time, I am starting to get really annoyed that he cares at all. Who is right?

Both of you are right. As certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis puts it: “This isn’t a question of correctness; this is about feelings, and both of you have the right to feel the way you feel.”

But this question is bigger than PDA. It’s about safety.

“While society has made significant progress, prejudice and homophobia still exist, and some people remain concerned about the attention, judgment or even safety risks that can come with public displays of affection,” says certified sex therapist Chris Fariello.

Our sexuality and relationship experts offer guidance.

Understand where the other is coming from. Fariello, founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, says to talk to each other about what public affection means to you.

“For you, it may represent visibility, pride and feeling accepted as a couple,” Fariello says. “For him, avoiding it may be tied to a desire to feel safe or avoid unwanted attention.” The upshot? “Understanding the meaning behind each other’s preferences can reduce resentment,” Fariello notes.

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Ways to re-establish a sense of safety and connection together — even in public. Psychotherapist Mallory Hanfling says to create ways to communicate in public to let each other know what you want:

Get consent. Tell your husband, “I commit to asking you before kissing you in a public space to make sure you feel comfortable first.”
Create a secret code. “When I squeeze your hand in public, it means ‘I love you,’ but it also means it doesn’t feel safe to show PDA right now.”
Anticipate what’s coming. Before you go out, talk to each other about your expected levels of comfort that day. Hanfling says to have fun with it. “I’m going to keep track of how many times I wanted to kiss you while we were out and save them all for you when we get home. So get ready!”

How to set boundaries. Hanfling, whose Philadelphia-based Courage to Grow Counseling practice specializes in psychotherapy for the LGBTQ+ community, suggests getting very clear with each other about what your public behavior will look like. Among her suggestions:

Outlining which public behaviors feel off-limits and which are on the table can help set expectations in advance.

As examples, where do you two stand on a quick touch on the back or shoulder, hand-holding, kissing or embracing for an extended period of time? “There’s a cornucopia of behaviors that can show up as displays of affection that are worth discussing together,” she says.

Direct any anger or resentment where it belongs — not at each other. Licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson says, “That is not you two against one another; that is you two, together, against the system.” Her advice: “Respect and honor your husband’s concern while also expressing your desire to feel and be connected to him.

“Continuing to choose one another and love in a system that challenges you not to is the most beautiful resistance,” she adds.

Scope out safe spaces. Find LGBTQ+-friendly places where you can be affectionate in public. Among our specialists’ advice:

Check out gay bars, resorts and cruises. “Find places where you can relax more, kiss in public, dance together — anything to find community and safe spaces where your partner feels safe and you can have your relationship witnessed and validated,” says sex and relationship coach Stella Harris.
Identify gay neighborhoods. Explore “gayborhoods” in your area, or visit gay-friendly places like Provincetown, Massachusetts; Rehoboth Beach, Delaware; and Cherry Grove on Fire Island, New York. “Treat it as exposure therapy — essentially exposing yourself to the things you feel cautious about,” Hanfling says. “Practice those displays of affection in a safe space.”
Find your tribe. Join a gay men’s chorus, an LGBTQ+-friendly faith community, a softball league or a ceramics night. Harris suggests googling “gay” plus the name of your town for ideas. “There will be a community for whatever interests, hobbies or activities you’re already into,” she adds.

Be affectionate at home. Fariello says, “Be intentional about showing affection and appreciation at home,” adding, “Regularly reassure each other of your love and commitment so that public affection doesn’t become the sole measure of feeling valued.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

The bottom line. “The goal isn’t to decide whose perspective is right or wrong, but to find a balance that honors both your desire for openness and his need for comfort and security,” says Fariello. “After more than two decades together, that mutual understanding is likely to serve your relationship better than trying to determine a winner in the disagreement.”

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