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My Menopause Mood Swings Are Ruining My Marriage
Your hormones are all over the place, and you’re supposed to be a good spouse?
4-minute read
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Are menopause-related mood swings throwing you for a loop? Not feeling like yourself at all? Irritated with your partner way more often? Ladies, raise those hands!
I’ve been there. My husband was absolutely undone by my bad moods.
Here’s what our medical experts say about why mood swings happen, how to help your partner understand what you’re going through and what you can do on your own.
My menopause mood swings are affecting my marriage. Everything my husband does annoys me, and he seems so hurt when I get mad at him. I am worried we’ll end up like one of the many couples our age getting a divorce. — Submitted by M.L.
First off, you’re not alone. Hormonal mood swings are common in older women, says William F. Lee, an ob-gyn at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, Tennessee.
As Lee frames it: “One minute you’re perfectly fine; the next minute you are weepy or angry. Things that didn’t irritate you before irritate you now, ranging from ‘He’s loud when he eats’ to ... the way he cracks his knuckles.”
Lee says he hears the word “rage” at least once a week from patients in perimenopause and menopause.
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Why it’s happening. Lee says mood swings occur during perimenopause due to fluctuations in estrogen, and during menopause due to a lack of estrogen.
Perimenopause is the time prior to menopause and can last from one to two years to as long as eight to 10 years, says Lee. Menopause is official when you haven’t had a period for 12 consecutive months.
Padma Kandadai, director of urogynecology at the Boston University School of Medicine, says mood swings typically peak in perimenopause and settle down once you are in menopause.
A stressful time in life. Kandadai says the timing tends to coincide with women being at the peak of their careers (read: work stress) and facing issues with their kids and aging parents. “[The stress] can play into what’s going on in addition to the hormone changes,” she notes.
Get your partner clued in. Women often try to power through the mood swings and raging irritability rather than disclose how they are feeling, says Maureen Slattery, an ob-gyn at Rochester Regional Health in New York.
Sex and relationship coach Stella Harris recommends broaching the subject in a way that promotes “healthy and happy communication.”
“Switch from ‘Sorry I was being a b----. Hey, I’m hormonal!’ to ‘I didn’t handle that as delicately as I should have,’” says Harris. You could also ask your husband to communicate with you when he feels that your mood swings are turning unkind.
Consider therapy. Harris says a couples therapist can be helpful with just about anything that’s roiling a relationship, including changes during menopause.
Or pursue therapy yourself. Kandadai says cognitive behavioral therapy can improve some of the emotional symptoms of menopause.
“People learn how to sit with discomfort and not let it rattle them,” she says. “You learn techniques to manage anxiety and stress. You learn what your triggers to certain emotions are and how to work with them.”
Make sure you have the right health care practitioner. Slattery says that many internal medicine physicians aren’t fully informed of the range of symptoms women experience during the menopause transition: sleep issues, joint pain, memory issues, vertigo, itchy ears, night sweats and loss of muscle mass.
She suggests checking out The Menopause Society, a nonprofit organization focused on educating health care providers about menopause. Its website lists physicians who are Menopause Society Certified Practitioners.
Medical options to discuss with your doctor. Hormones are the culprit — and also the fix.
For menopausal women, systemic menopause hormone therapy is the best medical treatment for mood swings, says Lee. Not only does it help with emotional irritability, it also helps women sleep better. We outlined a number of hormone therapy options in a previous In the Mood column.
For those in perimenopause, Kandadai recommends birth-control pills to stabilize your hormone levels, adding that at this stage, they are often the best option to improve your mood. She says that hormone replacement therapy can also be used and recommends talking to your doctor about both.
Bottom line. “It’s a very tumultuous time and affects everyone differently,” says Slattery. “The best way to get through this is for everyone to get educated and learn about this transition, and to seek help, advice or medication from a qualified menopause health care provider.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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