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I Can Climax by Myself, but Not When I’m Being Intimate
There are several ways to bridge the gap, our experts say, and all are pleasurable
Jon Krause
Here’s a topic that may resonate with many of you: a man who can orgasm when he masturbates but shuts down when he’s with a partner.
This is super common, our experts say, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you physically or that you aren’t attracted to your partner. Licensed psychologist Rachel Needle says the goal in this situation is to “create enough comfort and safety with your partner that you can stop thinking so much about it and let your body do what it already knows how to do.”
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Why can I climax myself with no problem, but I’m too nervous or afraid when it comes time to be intimate with my lady friend? — C.M.
There’s lots to cover here, starting with the “why.”
Going solo. People are usually able to achieve orgasm alone much more easily than with a partner. Why is that? “Simply put, we know our body better than anyone else does,” says certified sex therapist Chris Fariello. “We know exactly how to stimulate it.”
Also in play, according to certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon: There’s less pressure to perform, and you don’t have to think about another person’s reactions.
Get out of your own head. Fariello says you may be spending too much time in your head when you’re with a partner, wondering: Will I get an erection? Do I smell OK? Is my penis big enough? Does she like it?
“We’re doing a play-by-play commentary, and we’re not in the ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ of pleasure,” says Fariello, who heads the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy. “When we are in our brain, we are less likely to surrender to orgasm, which is how orgasms happen.”
Teach yourself to stay in the moment. Learning how to be present is the greatest “pleasure gift” you can give yourself, because it helps you remain focused on intimacy, says licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson, CEO of Hope & Serenity Mental Health Counseling and Wellness Center in Maitland, Florida.
How can you do that? In her work, Harris-Jackson has found that men like to learn through activities. One of her suggestions is yoga (either alone or with your partner), which requires you to be in your body, to take time, to slow down, to breathe.
Or give each other a massage. Harris-Jackson says to set a timer for 10 to 15 minutes and use that time to give your partner a massage that’s nonsexual and relaxation-focused. Then set the timer again and have her do the same for you.
“This is about learning to be present in your body: breathing, relaxing, enjoying pleasure without performance,” says Harris-Jackson. “And it can enhance closeness and intimacy.”
While you are being intimate with your partner, Fariello says to focus on certain sensations, scents or movements that help you remain in the moment. “It’s really about staying focused on the pleasure of the experience,” he says.
Show-and-tell. Certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis has a question for you: What is going on in solo sex that you can bring into your partnered experience?
Her advice: Tell your partner about the pressure you prefer, the speed or the angle. Share any mental or fantasy cues that work for you solo. And while you are having sex, check in verbally about how you’re feeling.
“The through line is about translating what you already know about your own arousal into shared language that you can participate in with your partner,” Francis explains. “I think of it as a dance: Introduce your partner to your rhythm, or the moves that work for your body, so that you two can cocreate choreography that thrills you both.”
If you’re comfortable with it, Harris-Jackson recommends engaging in mutual masturbation while showing each other what you like.
“It can become an enjoyable and engaging no-pressure experience for both of you,” she says.
Pleasure your partner first. Sex and relationship coach Stella Harris says that having your partner climax first may take the pressure off.
“Help them have an orgasm, or two or three,” she suggests.
Plan ahead. It may also help to take your own orgasm off the table for a while.
Consider an agreement that for the next three months or three encounters, even if you get turned on, you aren’t going to do anything about it. Be as honest with your partner as you can when proposing this, says Harris, making it clear that you’re having some anxiety about orgasms but are working on it. Then ask if it would be OK to just focus on them.
“Make that a boundary and stick with it,” Harris says. “Anxiety doesn’t go away overnight. One encounter is not going to reframe your mind and body that this isn’t scary.”
As Brandon notes, “The harder you try, the harder it often becomes. Focus instead on pleasure, arousal and enjoying each other. This approach isn’t a consolation prize — you may find that [it] actually results in more pleasure for you both.”
Parting thought. “Tell your partner what’s going on rather than trying to hide it,” Needle advises. “Focus on touch, pleasure, connection and curiosity instead of whether you ‘finish.’ Good partnered sex isn’t about magically knowing what another person likes. We teach each other.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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