AARP Hearing Center
When Is an Age Difference OK ... and When Is It Not?
How many years apart you are doesn’t matter as much as power dynamics and life stages
Jon Krause
This week’s question, about an age-gap relationship, reminded me of something in my own life that I hadn’t thought about in years.
When I started dating my late husband, his daughter immediately asked: “Is she younger than me?”
Our sex and relationship experts do the math.
I’m interested in a much younger woman. When is an age difference OK, and when is it not? I don’t want to scare her off. I see rich guys and Hollywood guys with younger women, and that seems to be OK, but I am neither. — S.S.
Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco says she gets this question a lot. Her response: Stop obsessing about the number and instead look at the three things that really matter: life stages, power dynamics and whether the attraction is mutual. (More on all that in a bit.)
Don’t get caught up in the moment. Men are often attracted to younger women because of their youthful looks and energy, but certified sex therapist Chris Fariello says men often don’t think through what a relationship will actually look like going forward for them as a couple or for their families.
Fariello, who heads the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, has a 55-year-old client who just married a 22-year-old woman who is younger than both his kids. His daughter won’t talk to him anymore. Possible reasons for her rejection, according to Fariello: loyalty to her mother, feeling competition with the new wife, or a general “ick” feeling that her stepmom is younger.
“You have to think in context of these choices and what it will mean for the future: the family dynamic, the financials, what you both are bringing to the table. What about maturity and compatibility?” Fariello says. “Does she want to play bingo with him on Friday nights? The age gap isn’t about a number — it’s about all of that.”
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Study the “why.” Licensed psychologist Rachel Needle suggests asking yourself what draws you to this particular woman. Is it who she is as a person, or is it the idea of dating someone younger?
“Likewise, consider what she may be looking for in a relationship,” Needle says. “Healthy relationships are built on genuine connection, not assumptions about what a younger woman is looking for.”
Sex and relationship coach Annette Benedetti, host of the Talk Sex With Annette podcast, says to ask yourself if you feel capable of having a relationship with a woman near your own age.
“A lot of what we see in those dynamics are men seeking to reclaim their youth,” she says. “A young woman is often a draw for older men who aren’t secure themselves.”
“If your focus is just ‘How do I get a much younger woman?’ instead of ‘How do I be a trustworthy and emotionally responsible partner to whoever I date?‘That’s where it drifts into worrisome territory,” says Pasciucco.
Challenges to be aware of. Is she a young barista figuring out what kind of career she wants, and are you nearing retirement? Needle says age-gap relationships can absolutely work, but they may also create challenges around life stages, finances, career goals, family planning, health and even cultural references.
Those differences don’t automatically make a relationship unhealthy, but Needle says they do require honest conversations and a willingness to understand each other’s perspectives.
Pasciucco says age differences can also become more complicated when one person is still forming their adult identity (who they are in the world) and the other is far more established.
“I’m less interested in whether a 15- to 30-year gap is allowed, and more interested in whether both people have similar levels of emotional maturity, freedom to say no and shared long-term goals,” Pasciucco adds.
Power dynamics. It’s also important to be mindful of power dynamics. “Age isn’t the only source of power in a relationship,” Needle says, adding that money, career success, life experience and social status (which often come with age) can all influence the balance of power between partners.
As sex and relationship coach Stella Harris explains, you are operating on a level and healthy playing field as long as you both possess the same level of security and autonomy in the world.
Pasciucco agrees, saying it comes down to “power differentials and emotional maturity.”
“If you are a full adult, older than middle-aged or 50, what would it take for the other person to be in a similar enough place in terms of life experience and circumstances — they have a good job, own their home, they’re stable in their life — in such a way that you wouldn’t be taking advantage?” she adds.
If you do decide to ask her out. When you approach her, make it clear that you will accept no as an answer, says Harris.
Among Harris’ recommendations: Ask her out in a public place or somewhere she has friends around. Don’t contact her at work. Don’t ask more than once.
Harris suggests saying something like, “Hey, I don’t want to scare you off, and it’s absolutely fine if your answer is no. But if you are interested, I would love to get to know you better. You don’t have to decide right now. Here’s my number. If you are interested, reach out. No hard feelings if you don’t.”
You don’t need to mention age at the beginning, and Needle advises against making the age gap the centerpiece of your interactions as you get to know each other.
Instead, be authentic, respectful and genuinely interested in getting to know her. If there’s a connection, Needle adds, let it develop naturally instead of trying to convince her that the age difference doesn’t matter.
“Ultimately, she gets to decide whether it’s something she’s comfortable with,” says Needle.
Focusing too much on her youth could make her feel like “a project or an object” rather than a person, adds Pasciucco.
A reality check about Hollywood. As a society, we tend to glamorize the rich and Hollywood celebrities, such as Michael Douglas, Leonardo DiCaprio and Cher, who have much younger partners, but Pasciucco points out that many of those relationships are built in curated, image-driven environments.
“They are not showing us their real life — it’s a show or performance.”
Needle agrees that celebrity relationships aren’t a particularly useful comparison. They may look glamorous from the outside, she says, but they don’t tell us much about what makes a relationship successful in everyday life.
Bottom line. There’s no magic number that determines whether an age gap is too much. “What matters most isn’t the number of years between you,” says Needle. “It’s whether you’re both adults in similar places emotionally, have compatible expectations and are entering the relationship freely and respectfully.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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