AARP Hearing Center
The Kids Moved Back Home — It’s Killing Our Sex Life
A couple found romance again when their adult children left home. Then they came back
Kiersten Essenpreis
Discuss boundaries. Harris-Jackson says creating light, gentle boundaries can go a long way: “It’s really about talking about how to respect one another’s space as adults living together.”
How do you do that in practice? By establishing signals.
More Ways to Benefit
- Related Benefit 1
- Related Benefit 2
- Related Benefit 3
- Related Benefit 4
- Related Benefit 5
It can be something as simple as asking your kids to notify you when they’re on their way home so that you won’t be startled or on edge that they may walk in on you during an intimate moment, says Harris-Jackson, adding, “Parents, you do the same.”
Other strategies to consider:
- A locked bedroom door with a written sign that says “Busy” or “Occupied.” “A closed, locked door means ‘Not now, come back later,’” says certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding president of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy.
- Place a sound machine outside your bedroom door. “If the kids hear the sound machine on, that’s going to alert them that they need to stay away,” Jamea says.
- Leave the hallway light on and ask your kids to turn it off when they get home, says Torrisi. That way, you know when they’re home and when they’re not; everyone is accounted for.
- Buy your kids a gym membership, or give them money to go to dinner or a movie. “This is a way to create space for yourselves,” says Torrisi. Tell them, “We want alone time for two hours; go out and enjoy yourself.”
Reframe what spontaneity means to you. With your kids home, you may no longer have the freedom of frolicking in the living room, but Jamea says fun sex play in the bedroom is still yours to be had. It just may require a bit more planning.
“Just because you plan when you make love doesn’t mean you have to plan the what,” Jamea says. “In other words, there’s still a lot of room for playfulness and spontaneity and mystery in terms of the kinds of things you’re doing in the moment.”
Get creative about ways to be intimate together outside your traditional framework. Among Harris-Jackson’s suggestions: If you usually have sex at night, get together during the day, or jump into the closet and have a quickie. Indulge in a staycation. Book a night at a hotel and imagine that you are meeting for the first time, strangers connecting.
“This is an opportunity to add spice and fun into your relationship,” says Harris-Jackson, CEO of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, Florida. “Have fun with it.”
One other consideration: your kids and their sex life. As Torrisi notes, “A lot of parents don’t think about giving space to their kids so that they can be intimate. Your children may have left home at 17, but now they’re in their 20s and are sexual beings themselves. All of you need space so that everyone is able to find more freedom.”
Discuss boundaries. Harris-Jackson says creating light, gentle boundaries can go a long way: “It’s really about talking about how to respect one another’s space as adults living together.”
How do you do that in practice? By establishing signals.
It can be something as simple as asking your kids to notify you when they’re on their way home so that you won’t be startled or on edge that they may walk in on you during an intimate moment, says Harris-Jackson, adding, “Parents, you do the same.”
Other strategies to consider:
- A locked bedroom door with a written sign that says “Busy” or “Occupied.” “A closed, locked door means ‘Not now, come back later,’” says certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding president of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy.
- Place a sound machine outside your bedroom door. “If the kids hear the sound machine on, that’s going to alert them that they need to stay away,” Jamea says.
- Leave the hallway light on and ask your kids to turn it off when they get home, says Torrisi. That way, you know when they’re home and when they’re not; everyone is accounted for.
- Buy your kids a gym membership, or give them money to go to dinner or a movie. “This is a way to create space for yourselves,” says Torrisi. Tell them, “We want alone time for two hours; go out and enjoy yourself.”
Reframe what spontaneity means to you. With your kids home, you may no longer have the freedom of frolicking in the living room, but Jamea says fun sex play in the bedroom is still yours to be had. It just may require a bit more planning.
“Just because you plan when you make love doesn’t mean you have to plan the what,” Jamea says. “In other words, there’s still a lot of room for playfulness and spontaneity and mystery in terms of the kinds of things you’re doing in the moment.”
Get creative about ways to be intimate together outside your traditional framework. Among Harris-Jackson’s suggestions: If you usually have sex at night, get together during the day, or jump into the closet and have a quickie. Indulge in a staycation. Book a night at a hotel and imagine that you are meeting for the first time, strangers connecting.
“This is an opportunity to add spice and fun into your relationship,” says Harris-Jackson, CEO of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, Florida. “Have fun with it.”
One other consideration: your kids and their sex life. As Torrisi notes, “A lot of parents don’t think about giving space to their kids so that they can be intimate. Your children may have left home at 17, but now they’re in their 20s and are sexual beings themselves. All of you need space so that everyone is able to find more freedom.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
AARP Membership
Join AARP for only $15 per year with automatic renewal. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of benefits, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP The Magazine.
You Might Also Like
In The Mood
Writer Ellen Uzelac asks experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questionsHow the ‘Big O’ Changes With Age
Here’s why sex may not be as intense as you get older — and what to do about it
I Want Out of My Perfectly Good Marriage
A woman says her husband is getting in the way of her self-discovery quest