AARP Hearing Center
I Want Out of My Perfectly Good Marriage
A woman says her husband is getting in the way of her self-discovery quest
John W. Tomac
This week’s question is from a woman who is thinking about leaving a decades-long marriage in order to “discover” herself.
Our relationship and sexuality experts weren’t at all surprised by the query. Licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson even says, “I get this question all the time.”
More Ways to Benefit
- Related Benefit 1
- Related Benefit 2
- Related Benefit 3
- Related Benefit 4
- Related Benefit 5
Harris-Jackson and our other experts offer a path to self-discovery to help our writer figure out if leaving her husband is really the next best step.
Is it normal to want to leave a perfectly good marriage after 30 years? There is nothing “wrong” per se, but I just want to discover who I am, and I don’t think I can do that with my current spouse.
Harris-Jackson, the CEO of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, Florida, says 30 years is a long time to be connected to another person, so it’s “fully normal” to feel this way.
“[In a long-term marriage] we often unintentionally meld together,” she says. “You ebb and flow together.”
The missing piece, as Harris-Jackson sees it: You haven’t had the opportunity to figure out who you are apart from your husband.
Now, what to do about it.
Engage in some self-reflection. Ask yourself, “What is it I want, and why can’t I do that now?” says certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy.
And certified sex therapist Emily Jamea says before taking any steps to leave your spouse, it’s important to specifically examine what it is about your marriage that you feel is stopping you from growing into a new version of yourself.
Rethink the role your husband plays in your growth. “I would love for her to start with a little bit of a reframe,” says Jamea, author of Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion. “Instead of thinking of her partner as an inhibiting factor in her personal growth and expansion, think of him potentially as a safe place to land when she returns.”
Jamea encourages you to explore “the right balance” between your identity and your relationship with your husband. “It’s about having a secure sense of self while at the same time having a strong connection to your partner,” she says. “One should not impede the other.”
Tell your husband how you’re feeling. Harris-Jackson suggests sitting down with your spouse and having a conversation that might start with something like this: “I have been someone’s something my whole life to the point that I don’t know who I am.”
Explain that you are going on a journey of self-discovery and that things might look different for the next months or a year, Harris-Jackson says. Ask your spouse to suspend any expectations he has of you for a while, she adds.
If your husband asks you what all of this means, Harris-Jackson says it’s fine to say, “I don’t know right now. I just want to lean into how I feel.”
If you don’t think your husband will do well with your self-exploration, that’s OK, too, Torrisi says — adding “they can figure it out, or not.”
At this point in a marriage, Torrisi says, people generally have an understanding of what a partner will and won’t accept. “Sometimes, though, we make false assumptions that can last for decades,” she notes. “Definitely talk about it, and don’t hold back.”
Plus, listen to what your husband has to say — and validate his initial response, says Jamea. “This is a good place to start.”
And don’t be surprised if your partner reacts negatively. As Harris-Jackson notes, “There’s no obligation for your partner to like who you are becoming. Your partner may say, ‘I don’t like this.’ ”
Keep the conversation going. Talking to your partner isn’t a one-off. Have a continuous and open conversation with your spouse about how you both are feeling during the discovery journey, says Harris-Jackson.
And prepare yourself for questions along the way. Harris-Jackson says your husband may say, “Hey, I’m noticing you are doing X, Y or Z. Is this part of your journey?” You may answer, “Yes, it is, and I want to keep doing this.”
Expect tumult. Jamea says your action may be “really destabilizing” to your relationship because it throws things off-balance. “Suddenly she’s shaking up the routine they’ve become accustomed to after 30 years together,” she says.
Harris-Jackson recommends that you temper your expectations of your husband. He may tell you he’s not into the change and wants to sever your connection. “Divorces happen,” she says. “Being prepared for this is important.”
But before you go the divorce route, take the time to do a reality check. Torrisi says there are key things to consider should you leave your marriage, including finances, caregiving in your later years, and the impacts on your family norms and traditions.
“These are real things to ask yourself,” she says. “Why do you need to leave the relationship in order to find yourself? What will it mean to be in your own apartment and deal with the finances of that? Maybe you can do both.”
Before putting your marriage in the rearview mirror, Torrisi suggests you consider beginning your journey by spending a month or two apart to figure out how to fulfill your needs without getting divorced.
“Go stay with a friend, rent an Airbnb, go live on your own,” she says. “It might be amazing.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
AARP Membership
Join AARP for only $15 per year with automatic renewal. Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of benefits, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP The Magazine.
You Might Also Like
In The Mood
Writer Ellen Uzelac asks experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questionsWhat’s Normal When It Comes to Self-Pleasure?
A woman writes in that her husband is too focused on personal gratification
Will Hormone Replacement Help My Sex Life?
Studies show hormone replacement therapy can help older women feel so much better