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My Wife Showers Everyone With Love — but Me
A husband says he is starved for affection
Jon Krause
Feeling like everyone is getting loved-on but you is not pleasant, to say the least.
So I hope you haven’t ever felt the same way as this husband, who seems to be in a relationship built on alienation and disappointment.
I found this query painful to read, and I hope our experts can give you some meaningful advice, no matter where it takes you. There’s definitely work to be done here.
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My wife shows everyone affection but me: our two dogs, grown kids, the grandkids, her friends. She is always doing things for them and doting on them. But I can’t even get her to give me a hug or make dinner on my birthday. Can you help? — Submitted by L.C.
This is a tough one, and it very likely calls for therapy if you’re going to make it to the other side of this, all of the sex and relationship specialists I talked to say. But here’s where you might start.
Do a self-check. Evelin Dacker, a family medicine physician specializing in sexual health and sexuality education in Salem, Oregon, says your wife may be disconnected and withholding, and there’s a reason for it that you need to dig into. “Something deeper is going on,” says Dacker.
Questions she has for you: How have you treated her? Do you view the relationship as healthy?
“There is a gap in their emotional connection that is showing up” in how they interact, Dacker notes. “It would benefit him to understand this better.”
Sex and relationship coach Stella Harris asks you to reflect on how you show your wife affection. Are you are making dinner for your wife on her birthday, or showing her love through other acts of kindess and appreciation? “It’s possible she got tired of care and affection being a one-way street,” Harris says.
Try to display the behaviors yourself that you want to see from her, “especially the nonphysical ones,” says Harris. What can you do to make her day easier or more pleasant? Are there chores around the house that you could take off her plate? Do you sometimes buy her flowers or chocolates? “When you do those things, you need to make sure they are purely out of love and kindness, not in hopes of reciprocation,” she says.
Why affection sometimes becomes scarce. One reason “affection — like hugs — can dry up is when all physical affection is perceived as an invitation for sex,” Harris notes.
“If you’ve responded to hugs by taking things in a sexual direction, she may have learned that she can’t touch you when she isn’t interested in more.”
Figure out how to ask for what you want. Part of the problem could be that many men don’t know how to communicate their feelings, says certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi, founding director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy in Syosset, New York, adding that sometimes when men are denied affection, they want to argue about it instead of talking it through.
If you are “keeping track of every hug and then using that as evidence in a debate-style argument,” Torrisi says you are not engendering goodwill from your wife.
Have a conversation with your wife. Harris says the only way to get to the bottom of this is to do a deep dive with your wife, cautioning, “It’s important that it’s broached in a way that won’t sound like an attack or put her on the defensive.” Examples of what not to do: Don’t ask, ‘Why don’t you hug me?’ or ‘Why don’t you make me dinner?’ ”
Here are some better approaches to consider:
- Start with a positive. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, who heads the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says to begin by identifying two to four positive things your wife does do that you admire or appreciate and express your thanks to her.
- Tell her what you miss. Harris suggests using a conversation opener like “I miss when we were more affectionate. Could I give you a hug?” Or propose a romantic date that doesn’t create extra work for her, like going out to a restaurant she enjoys.
- Separate your desire for affection from sex. Torrisi says it might be helpful to start with a “heartfelt conversation” about how your desire for physical touch has nothing to do with sex. She says to try something like: “Sometimes I just want a hug — and just a hug. Would it be OK for me to ask for that sometimes? I can be clear that I’m looking for just a hug and respect that you don’t want me to squeeze your butt or kiss your neck.”
- Make specific requests, but not demands. Say to your wife: “I wanted to ask you to give some things to me that would make me feel special and loved….This would feel like a gift to me if you were willing to offer it with a full heart,” says Cooper.
Then make your request clear, such as, “I would really love it if you could give me a strong hug in the mornings and the evenings, and wait until I say I’ve had enough before you pull away. I love the way you hug me, and it makes me feel relaxed and connected when you do that for me.”
The upshot, according to Cooper: It is a request that your wife may or may not agree to give you, and it’s clear that it is a gift you are asking for, and not a demand you are making.
“It is up to her to check in with herself and see if she’s willing to give this gift to you. If she is not, she is entitled to make adjustments as to what she is able to offer,” Cooper says, adding that it’s OK if you want different things.
Bottom line. This is going to be a tough one to navigate on your own. As Torrisi positions it: “Therapy is needed here, for sure.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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