I Feel Invisible in All My Relationships

Needle says to engage in environments where your voice matters. Taking classes or participating in activities tied to your interests can create spaces where you’re known for who you are and what you bring.

As licensed clinical social worker Rosara Torrisi puts it: “If you feel you are doing things you are interested in, then you are interesting” to yourself and to other people, because they will recognize your enthusiasm and passion.

Nurture relationships that offer mutual attention. Needle, cofounding director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing-education provider in the field of sexology, says if certain connections leave you feeling overlooked, it may be worth investing more energy in people who truly listen and respond.

So connect with the people and activities that energize you. “Reconnect with what makes you feel alive,” says Needle.

Talk to close friends who you feel don’t see you. Certified sex therapist Marianne Brandon suggests having a conversation with the person you feel closest to and safest with, who you feel isn’t seeing you lately.

One approach: “This is a concern: I don’t feel seen. What’s your experience with me? I’m not sure how to proceed.”

Brandon, cohost of The Sex Doctors podcast, says to proceed organically, talking to one friend at a time when you are ready. “With each conversation, you will gain some knowledge and understanding,” she predicts.

Take a stand. In any relationship, intimate or not, our job is to stand up for what we want and need from people, according to Wise.

“She needs to let people know how she is feeling. Give your people feedback about what’s working, what’s not. It’s a relationship offense to not speak up,” says Wise.

“Does she want people to include her more, talk to her more, ask her more questions? Don’t expect people to read your mind,” she adds.

Engage in self-reflection. Torrisi, founding director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, suggests examining your communication style. “This could be someone who doesn’t interject in a conversation, doesn’t contribute, says something at the wrong moment.” Any of those could explain why you’re not connecting, Torrisi says.

Licensed mental health therapist Rebecca Hartman, from the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health, wonders if you are behaving in a way that makes you less than yourself, or that you think other people want you to be. How long have you been feeling this way? If it’s more recent, is it a reflection of how you’re thinking about your age and stage as an older adult? Are you in relationships where others benefit from you being smaller? For example, when you engage with people, do you listen rather than talk? If so, Hartman says, you probably never feel listened to.

See a therapist. Wise recommends talking to a therapist about what you are experiencing. Therapy can help you figure out how you are “showing up” and how your behaviors might be contributing to not getting the attention and acknowledgment you want.

“Sometimes, when people hold themselves back — they’re not feeling good about themselves; they’re not in the best space in their lives — they become less self-expressive,” Wise says.

Needle says a mental health professional can also help you determine whether feeling unseen connects to deeper patterns from earlier relationships or life experiences.

“Exploring those patterns can help you develop new ways of connecting and advocating for yourself,” she notes.

No longer objectified. It’s also possible that you aren’t being seen by others because you are an older female.

“We don’t live in a culture that celebrates aging. We also live in a culture that objectifies women,” Hartman says. “When you age out of that, you experience a loss of identity.”

Torrisi says we spend so much time talking about how objectifying people can be minimizing and harmful — but when we are not, we wonder, “What’s wrong, what happened?”

Her advice: “It’s about how you feel in your body, not what someone else thinks. You need to care about the opinions of people you value.”

Parting thoughts. Being seen is not just about others noticing you; it’s also about allowing yourself to show up fully in the world.

“When you give yourself permission to express your interests, opinions and presence, you make it easier to see the person who has been there all along,” Needle says. “Sometimes the path back begins with small steps toward being a little more visible to yourself and to the world around you.” ​