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Our Best In the Mood Columns on Sexless Marriage
When the sizzle fizzles, here’s what the experts have to say
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We get many questions on sexless marriage and relationships from all different angles. One partner who wants sex while the other refuses. Couples who are OK with their sexless marriages but can’t figure out how to keep the romance going without it. Health issues that have taken sex off the table. And one many of you Gen Xers might appreciate: kids who move back home and kill the sex life you’ve rediscovered as empty nesters.
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Here is some of our favorite advice on how to handle a sexless relationship.
My Wife Took Sex Off the Table. I Feel Trapped
A couple, together for decades, are on opposite ends of the divide when it comes to sex. Him, yes. Her, no thank you. This is probably the most common question we get in our In the Mood mailbox. What do the experts say? As one puts it, if sex is off the table, you have to look at what’s still on it.
AARP (Kiersten Essenpreis)
Our Sexless Marriage Is OK, but I Miss Romance
Sometimes a sexless marriage is just where you and your partner are, and you’re OK with that. But it doesn’t mean romance and intimacy need to go with it. Lean into other ways to stay connected, say the experts, such as snuggling, gazing, making time to do activities together — whatever keeps the romance alive so you’re still a couple and not just roommates.
The Kids Moved Back In, and It Killed Our Sex Life
We love our grown kids! And when they come to visit, it’s pure joy. But when they move back in … that’s a different dynamic. All of a sudden, the empty nest you and your partner were using to explore each other’s bodies and minds again is a full nest of dirty dishes, shoes everywhere and a young adult’s schedule that doesn’t quite line up with yours.
My Wife Is Freezing Me Out. How Can I Reconnect With Her?
This one is a little different. A husband and wife are still having sex, but he says she doesn’t feel present during their most intimate moments anymore. “It feels like she’s putting up a wall and isn’t into the experience or pleasure,” he writes to In the Mood. The experts say this is a common reaction to past trauma that sometimes shows up in sex and intimacy in later years. Expert Sari Cooper explains “big-T” and “little-t” traumas and how to help your partner handle this sensitive issue.
AARP (John W. Tomac)
I Find My Husband’s Sexual Advances Annoying
This wife finds cuddling sweet but his sexual advances annoying. The experts say to figure out what exactly it is that makes you cringe, and tell him (kindly) what you don’t like — and what you do. They also suggest some homework called body mapping, which sounds pretty fun.
I Have No Interest in Sex. Can I Still Date?
While most of our questions are about marriages that turn sexless over time, this one is from a person who wants to go into a relationship with the understanding that sex is off the table. Our experts say you have plenty of company in that category of companionship and connection without sex.
My Husband’s Prostate Cancer Means No Intimacy
Health issues that directly or indirectly affect sexual performance are familiar to many of our readers, according to the number of emails we get on this topic. But something this reader asks us about: Why does no sex have to mean no touch at all? It doesn’t, say our experts. But you have to help your partner get there while understanding you both are going through a difficult time.
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
A note from the editor: Our wonderful and witty writer, Ellen Uzelac, is off this week and next. In the meantime, please check out our In the Mood page with all her columns. We’re sure you’ll find something that sparks your interest.
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