AARP Hearing Center
My Wife And I Are Aging at Different Rates
He’s active and excited about sex. She’s just not anymore
John W. Tomac
Here’s something a lot of older couples experience that isn’t talked about much: aging at different rates, meaning one of you might not want or be able to do all the things you used to, while the other feels just fine.
In the Mood reader I.G. emailed us to say he still wants to go hiking and biking with his wife like they used to. His wife can’t. He wants sex. She doesn’t. He longs to talk about it. She won’t.
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Our sexuality and relationship experts offer guidance.
My wife and I have been happily married for 49 years. But she is aging faster than me. We used to go mountain hiking, bike riding, roller skating, snow skiing. I remain very active, but all she does now is take short walks. On top of that, her health problems make sex uncomfortable for her, so I feel like she’s killing my sexuality too. The worst part is that she’s not willing to talk about this. Advice?
The first thing that struck licensed marriage and family therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson about your query is the sadness your wife must feel.
“Others might read this and say ‘Oh, poor guy,’ but here’s this woman who probably wants to be more than her body can allow,” she says. “Just because her body is aging doesn’t mean her mind has shifted.”
Think through what the issues might be. Certified sex therapist Nan Wise suggests asking yourself: “What might be making her uncomfortable?” and “Is she worried that if we do talk, it’ll be the end of the marriage?” and “Is she afraid she can’t make any positive changes?”
Focus on what might be causing her physical pain. It’s unclear from your question whether your wife’s health issues have been diagnosed, but as ob-gyn Maureen Slattery notes, “They are a reality at this age, and they can create all sorts of limits on comfort, stamina and mobility.”
Slattery, a certified sexual health counselor and sex educator, says issues like arthritis, joint replacements, diabetes and cardiovascular disease can also change what sex looks like.
Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper encourages your wife to consult a menopause- and sexuality-trained health care professional about potential treatments if she is experiencing pain during sex.
“If someone anticipates experiencing pain, they are most likely going to avoid the physical behavior that provokes that pain,” she notes.
Have a talk about talking. Certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis recommends revisiting conversations you’ve had in the past that didn’t go well with your wife — or that never happened — to figure out how to approach discussing these things with her now.
When you do have a conversation, Wise suggests using open and nonconfrontational questions and statements like: “I want to share with you. I want you to understand how I feel. What has gotten in the way of that in the past? What would help the conversation feel more possible for you?”
Express your feelings about the changed dynamic. Cooper, founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, advises telling your wife how you feel about her emotionally and how much you miss the feelings you shared when you were physically and sexually active together. Ask her what might have changed for her that caused her to shut down.
Reframe how you think about sex. While health and ability may impact the kind of sex you have, Francis says they don’t have to disrupt your sexuality.
“We can still be sexual beings,” she says. “What are the things that are still pleasurable for you, for her?”
If you don’t know, Francis recommends that you think about what sexually excites you in a playful and non-pressuring way.
“The only way to maintain a sex life throughout our lives is to be open to exploring and reimagining,” she says.
Think of new activities you can explore together. Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco advises that you continue to enjoy your high-level physical activities alone, but also try adding new low-key hobbies that you can do together, such as gardening, cultural outings, paint nights and tandem biking.
“You can still do things together while also finding ways to honor that she has different energy,” she says. “It’s OK to have parallel interests.”
Talk to a professional. After almost five decades together, it’s likely you’ve engaged in some tough conversations. But if there is a communication gap between the two of you, Pasciucco says to bridge it.
Among other professionals who can offer guidance, according to Pasciucco: a pastoral counselor, medical doctor, couples therapist and sex therapist.
The last word. “This is an almost 50-year marriage,” Slattery says. “Clearly, something’s working.”
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
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