25 Great Ways to Boost Intimacy in Your Relationship

Even if Ashlee and Meade, who works in child welfare, don’t have intimate time on the schedule, they’ve agreed that any time one of them puts on an Al Green album, it’s a go. Says Meade: “If either one of us starts that, it’s the mating call.”

Ashlee and Meade like to play an “alphabet dating game” to shake things up. Each date corresponds with a letter, so their first “letter A” date meant appetizers, albums and archery, while the next “letter B” date — when they happened to be in New Orleans — included beignets, bowling and a band. ​

They also play card games with conversation starters designed to help couples reflect and reconnect. And twice they’ve read the same book at the same time (The Alchemist and The Four Agreements), then traded thoughts afterward.

7. Dump expectations

​​We judge ourselves against our expectations of ourselves: on how we should look, act, respond, get aroused, make sounds, etcetera, and “that literally shuts us down,” says Fehr. “We create our own performance anxiety.… We all fear being judged, rejected or humiliated if we show up exactly as we are, but deep intimacy requires exactly that of us.”​

Additionally, we can’t meet our partner’s expectations if we’re focusing on our own. “Our attention can only be focused on one thing at a time; we cannot connect on a deep level with each other while simultaneously focusing on a goal,” Fehr continues. Drop assumptions about how things should go, and “each experience can feel new and exciting.”​

Additionally, Fehr differentiates between expectations, which are rigid, and desires, which are open-ended. There’s nothing wrong with inviting your partner to fulfill or engage with a desire. “Invitations support intimacy; expectations kill it,” she says.​​

8. Don’t settle

Too many people complain about what they’re not getting in their relationship, then don’t do anything to get it.​

“We tell ourselves that we’re compromising, but really, we’re settling,” says Real. “Distance grows. Sexuality [and] generosity dies.… When we stop taking each other on in skillful ways and telling the truth to each other when we need it, when we ‘go along to get along,’ the first casualty is passion.”​

9. Play with sensations

“If touch or physical intimacy start to feel tricky, it can be helpful to have exercises to try, or a road map for touch,” says Stella Harris, a certified intimacy educator, sex coach and author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships. ​

Drag a feather across the skin. Use warm massage oil, ice cubes, a faux fur pillow, even body-safe candle wax.​

Sensation play “might feel safer to figure out what you like and don’t like,” she says, “as the preferences have less to do with your partner or their skill set.”​​

10. Flirt

An out-of-nowhere kiss. Deep, meaningful eye contact. Playful teasing. An unexpected love note. A pat on the behind. Don’t be afraid to do some old-fashioned flirting, both physical and verbal. It’s fun, even if it doesn’t always lead to passionate lovemaking. ​​“Playing with sexual energy feels good and lights people up,” says Fehr.​​

11. Push through discomfort

Safely, of course. Think about a yoga class, for instance, where there’s a difference between poses that cause discomfort but are safe, even valuable, to push through, and those that could cause damage. On the mat and in relationships, know your limits, says Harris.​

But don’t get in your head. Pay no mind to questions such as “What if it takes me too long to orgasm?” and “What if I get bored?” Instead, Harris suggests asking this question: “What might happen if I push myself a bit, and find what’s on the other side of that discomfort intriguing?”​ ​

12. Embrace the ‘no’

​​Saying “no” can be hard for people pleasers because they don’t want to disappoint, but true intimacy cannot happen without giving yourself permission to do exactly that, according to Harris.

​“If you don’t know that somebody is comfortable saying ‘no,’ you can’t trust their ‘yes,’ ” she says. For example, say you receive a “yes” to all your suggestions, such as what movie to watch, where to go to dinner and whether to move into the bedroom after a fun date. “Then it comes time to ask for sex — let alone more risky or taboo sex — and you don’t know if they’re just really enthusiastic about all your suggestions because you have the same taste, or if they’re a people pleaser who feels pressure to say ‘yes,’ ” Harris explains.​​

13. Give and receive feedback

​​Remember these Salt-N-Pepa lyrics? “Let’s talk about sex, baby / Let’s talk about you and me / Let’s talk about all the good things / And the bad things that may be.” ​​Harris says open communication around what partners like and dislike can be difficult, and “especially terrifying” for those in longer-term relationships.​ ​“There’s this feeling that it’s too late to speak up,” she says, as though giving and receiving feedback now would mean partners haven’t really known each other, or paid attention to each other, over the years. ​​But bodies and minds change all the time, and practicing with massage can be a way into deeper conversations.

Harris tells couples to start with the understanding that this “practice” is for feedback purposes. The person receiving the massage should use words like “left,” “right,” “harder,” “softer,” “faster” and “slower.” At the end, the giver asks if there was anything that could’ve made the massage better — and the receiver must answer. The giver, then, should receive the information kindly and say “thank you.”​​Every week or so, Ashlee says she and Meade text each other questions “to keep that little spark.” Recent examples: Are you emotionally fulfilled? Is there anything I can do to improve?​​

14. Give thanks often

​​Couples don’t say “thank you” or “I appreciate you” often enough to each other, even though the payoff is huge, says Fehr. “This practice is about seeing each other more deeply and being seen, not just for what we do, but how we … impact each other.” ​​She suggests taking those niceties a step further by elaborating on the reason you’re thankful or appreciative. For example, “I appreciate how you held my hand during the doctor’s appointment. It made me feel supported and loved.”​

Feeling appreciated can protect a relationship, according to research published in 2022 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. In the study, mostly middle-aged couples who expressed gratitude were resilient against internal and external stressors, not only in the moment but also over time. Speaking about the study at the time, lead researcher Allen W. Barton emphasized that the compliments must be sincere and genuine.​ ​

15. Know your partner’s love language

​​People express their love in different ways: through words, time together, gifts, acts of service or touch. These are love languages, popularized by author Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Ashlee says Meade has become a native speaker in hers, which is acts of service. He makes the bed every day, brushes off her car on snowy days and brings along her favorite coffee on vacation — perfectly brewed, so it’s “the color of peanut butter.”​ ​“He’s really taken the time to learn the little things,” she says.

16. Get help if needed

​​Don’t be shy about seeking assistance for persistent vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction, says Garcia. And be sure to shop around for a specialist if you’re not satisfied with the information you receive. The low rates of sexual literacy often extend to the doctor’s office. According to Garcia, the average physician only gets about one hour of training on sexual health. If your doctor doesn’t know much about sexual issues, seek out someone who does. Start your search online or, if you’re open about this sort of thing, ask around. Many social workers, psychologists and therapists have specialized training in sexual health and sexual problems.​ ​

17. Explore kink

​​Kink can be scary, although the word means little else than “anything that’s a little bit edgy for the person saying it,” says Harris. “What’s kinky is a moving target.”​ ​Anything in this department hinges on consent from all parties involved. Garcia calls it “a wonderful place for creativity and negotiation.”​

​18. Employ ergonomics​

​When your hearing goes, you get hearing aids. The same logic applies to ergonomic support during intimate moments. It can mean the difference between a “yes” and a “no” when it comes to sex positions, as arthritis, lower stamina, injury and other age-related concerns can feel like an uninvited third party. Consider wedges, braces, heating pads and other adaptive gear.​ ​Just remember, you’re a team, and you should figure out the adjustments together, says Harris.​​

19. Empathize with your partner

​​We all have individual experiences that influence how we show up for our partners, even when — sometimes especially when — those experiences are from our younger years.​​ Perhaps your partner’s only experience with a particular sex act was while they were drunk in college, says Harris, explaining why that person might not want to try it again. Or someone who only wants to have sex in the dark may have been shamed for their weight in the locker room at school. For that last one, try saying, “Let’s keep finding fun ways to play in the dark that work for both of us,” Harris suggests.​

20. Share creative pursuits

​​Finding artistic activities you can do together as a couple is another way to forge a deeper connection. For example, Ashlee invited Meade to tag along on a street photography shoot one day. Meade enjoyed himself so much that he decided to take up photography as a hobby. “He’s always willing to go out with me, whether it’s five degrees or 100 degrees,” she says.

​Meade, meanwhile, plays guitar in a punk rock band and has been writing songs since college. He was in his early 30s before he showed anyone his lyrics, and he never shared them with his ex-wife. He has with Ashlee, however. It’s “one of the most vulnerable” things he has ever done, he says. “Creativity, to me, is like when you’re reaching into your heart and soul.”

21. Stay curious

​Garcia calls curiosity one of the strongest aphrodisiacs. It’s easy to fall into rote sexual patterns, particularly in long-term relationships, but what about asking whether your partner wants to try something new?​ ​“An openness to exploring can be really erotic, but it can also deepen the connection,” he says. “Relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction are so interconnected.”​​ Being open to sexual novelty is great for the brain as well, as experimentation activates our dopamine system, releasing “feel-good” hormones, says Garcia.​

22. Show basic affection and simple touch

​​In a national sample of more than 1,000 people in committed relationships, one-third reported not being touched often enough by their partner. That research is cited in Garcia’s book, The Intimate Animal: The Science of Sex, Fidelity, and Why We Live and Die for Love. “Touch is so important as a social primate,” he says. “It’s in our biology.” Garcia and his wife have different bedtimes, so they dance together to a song in the kitchen every morning.​​ Ashlee and Meade hold hands pretty much every time they go out. And they kiss in the morning, when they pass each other in the hallway and every time they say goodbye.​

23. Use toys

​​Ashlee keeps her sex toys in a drawer next to her bed. While toys in the bedroom make some partners feel intimidated or jealous, that hasn’t been the case for Meade.​ ​“He loves seeing me turned on,” she says. “And if he wants to have sex, he knows we gotta get there.”​​

24. Embrace your aging bodies

​​It can be frustrating when our bodies don’t do what they used to do, or look the way they used to look. But changes are inevitable, and an older body can learn new tricks, says Harris. She adds a caveat: “If you’re uncomfortable in your body, uncomfortable being viewed by other people and tensed up from tip to toe, no technique is going to break through that. You have to do the emotional stuff.”​​

Meade openly talks with his wife about how his body is getting “soft,” although he says he’s in good shape for a guy his age. As for Ashlee, he finds her “hotter now than I did when we started dating. She didn’t have to wear glasses every day, and now she does. I kinda like that look. It’s all in your perspective.”​

​25. Remember that ebb and flow is natural​

​In the worst of times, relationships can hurt and feel hopeless. But don’t panic, says Real, who says these “disruption phases” are completely normal.​​“No matter how skilled you are, all relationships are an endless dance of harmony, disharmony and repair,” he says. “Tolerating one another’s imperfections” is part of a mature relationship. And in the meantime, when the dust settles, try making tea, watching a show or calling a friend.​​ For decades, Real has spoken around the world about what he calls “normal marital hatred.” He coined the phrase (and has been married for 40 years to a woman he consistently refers to as his “beloved Belinda”). While it refers to an intense, temporary dislike of your spouse, Real says no one has ever asked him, “What do you mean by that?”​