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Why Your Marriage Only Needs Six Hours a Week
I wondered whether my husband and I were building healthy independence or drifting apart. A marriage expert gave me a surprising answer
Monica Garwood
Welcome to Ethels Tell All, where the writers behind The Ethel newsletter share their personal stories related to the joys and challenges of aging. Come back every other Wednesday for the latest piece, exclusively on AARP Members Edition.
My husband, Derek, paints. He also golfs avidly; when given the chance, he’ll play 18 holes, then go find nine more. I do neither. I can’t draw a straight line, and my golf swing has been described, generously, as “enthusiastic.” For years I assumed this meant separate hobbies and separate trips: his painting workshops, my yoga retreats. Then we stumbled onto something better.
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One evening, I tagged along to the golf course, not to play but to walk. While Derek continued down the fairway, I wandered the perimeter, watching herons lift off the water and listening to the wind move through the trees. I fell into something close to a meditative trance. He was chasing a little white ball. I was chasing quiet. We were in the same place, doing entirely different things, and it worked.
It felt like “parallel play,” the term child psychologists use for toddlers who sit side by side absorbed in their own games, aware of one another but not needing to interact. Turns out it isn’t just for toddlers. It might be one of the more underrated keys to a long marriage.
I wrote about this in my book, Your Turn: How to Create a Midlife You Love, in a chapter called “Parallel Play versus Perilous Play,” because after decades as a couple, Derek and I are still working out how much time to spend together, and how much to give each other room to roam. The stakes feel higher now. Our youngest is in high school, eyeing colleges, and the two of us are edging toward an empty nest. For years our marriage ran on autopilot, our schedule dictated by three kids and their practices and pickups. That autopilot is switching off. Our bodies are changing, as are our expectations of what comes next. And so is the question of what we actually want from each other day to day.
That question led me to the work of Julie Schwartz Gottman and her husband, John Gottman, psychologists who have spent decades listening to couples. In their research, they found that couples who had improved their relationship had devoted an average of six intentional hours per week to their marriage. The Gottmans then distilled what they learned into something they call the “Magic Six”: six categories of connection that, when practiced consistently, create a stronger bond between couples.
I was surprised and incredulous. That’s all it takes? But after interviewing Julie Schwartz Gottman, I set out with my husband to follow the Magic Six:
Partings: Before you leave the house, learn one thing about your partner’s schedule that day. Taking an interest in your partner’s world helps sustain your connection. (2 minutes a day x 5 working days = 10 minutes/week.)
Reunions: Greet each other at the end of the workday with a 6-second kiss and/or hug, followed by a daily 20-minute conversation to decompress. During this conversation, the goal is to listen without trying to judge or fix. So if your spouse is complaining, be the person who can absorb it. If they’re sharing a happy moment, share in their delight. (20 minutes a day x 5 working days = 1 hour and 40 minutes/week.)
Appreciation and admiration: Express your gratitude daily. Thank your partner for something they did, or tell them why you love them. (5 minutes a day x 7 days = 35 minutes/week.)
Affection: Sex isn’t the only way romantic partners show affection (although it’s nice!). Physical touch for just 5 minutes daily can be as simple as holding hands, cuddling under a blanket or an embrace before bed. (5 minutes a day x 7 days = 35 minutes/week.)
Date night: Build two hours of uninterrupted together time into your week for novelty and fun, not errands. (2 hours/week.)
State of the Union meeting: Talk through what’s working, what isn’t and what’s ahead in your life. (1 hour/week.)
Author Allison Aubrey and her husband, Derek Symer, recently explored Rocky Mountain National Park together.
Courtesy Allison Aubrey
When I first read the list, a few of those items sounded impossible, the 20-minute stress-reducing conversation in particular. I’m what you’d call a fixer. When Derek vents about a maddening client or an aggravating round of golf, my instinct is to solve it or tell him what he should have done differently. Learning to just listen without offering a single suggestion felt unnatural initially. Now it feels liberating for both of us.
We’re also getting better at small rituals, such as actually saying “good morning” to each other, out loud, before the day swallows us. It sounds too simple to matter. But it matters.
The State of the Union used to feel like an invitation to a fight, and sometimes it still leads to a disagreement. But that’s fine. Gottman’s research makes a distinction I’ve come to rely on: that conflict is connection. Couples are allowed to disagree. The problem starts when disagreement curdles into contempt. We’ve agreed that grievances get saved for our weekly meeting instead of being lobbed at each other midweek like stink bombs. We are nowhere near perfect at keeping this habit, but I can already feel its value.
There’s real biology behind why this matters. Clinical psychologist and researcher Janice Kiecolt-Glaser and her colleagues have shown what hostile marital conflict can do to the body. It triggers prolonged spikes in stress hormones like cortisol, which suppresses immune function and raises inflammation, potentially accelerating cellular aging. Distressed couples don’t just fight harder; their bodies also take longer to recover afterward, staying flooded with stress hormones long after the argument has ended.
Ordinary touch works the opposite way. Research shows that a simple touch from your romantic partner can elevate oxytocin, the so-called bonding hormone, and lower cortisol levels.
Of course, we had lots of room for improvement.
The easiest place to start, I’ve found, is appreciation. It costs nothing and takes seconds. Thanks for unloading the dishwasher. Thanks for charging my car. Sorry I had to rush out before making the bed, and thanks for making it. When Derek brings home a new painting, he doesn’t need me analyzing his brushwork, and he certainly doesn’t need my critique. He’s got a teacher for that. My job is simpler: “Wow. I love those colors.” And as I say it, I mean it.
It feels good, and like any muscle, it gets stronger with use. As Gottman points out, there’s no single right way to be married. Some couples want to do everything together. Others thrive on autonomy. The Magic Six isn’t a rule book for how much time to spend together. It’s a road map for making the time you share count, whether that’s a candlelit dinner, a bike ride or a quiet walk around the perimeter of a golf course — together, apart and somehow both at once.
AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.
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